Healing the Girl Who Needed Answers

The Return of My Inner Teenager

WOW. This week has been… eh. I love it and hate it all in the same breath. Before I get into the tea, let me start with the good.

I honestly don’t know what came over me this week, but the nostalgia has been strong. Like, healing my inner teenager strong. And yeah, this is new for me.

The last few years have been all about healing my inner child. The people pleaser. The perfectionist. The version of me that desperately wanted to be seen, heard, chosen, and loved. The version of me that abandoned herself in exchange for validation and approval, especially from my family. Those wounds became the foundation for so many of the choices I made throughout my life. Choices rooted in fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, and the belief that I had to earn love.

I’ve done a lot of work to acknowledge those parts of myself. I’ve learned to accept them without shame and make the conscious choice that I no longer want to live from those wounds.

Like I talked about in my previous blog, life has actually been pretty damn good lately. Nothing dramatic has happened. Instead, a different layer of healing has made itself known.

The teenage version of me has arrived.

I had no idea how loud, bold, dramatic, and unapologetic she was until she started knocking on the door of my subconscious. It feels like the floodgates opened. Suddenly I’m listening to music I loved in high school. I’m posting about Paramore every five minutes. I’m deep in my Twilight obsession again. Well, let’s be honest, did I ever really stop?

A month ago I talked about stepping into a softer version of my femininity. At the time, I thought femininity meant softness, pink, romance, and all things girly. Lately I’ve realized there is so much more to me than that. There’s an edge to me. A darkness. A fascination with things that are mysterious and unconventional.

Now it’s fully here.

I’m back watching horror movies. I’m rediscovering the things I loved before I started filtering myself for other people. The things that made me feel different. The things that made me feel like me.

“Healing isn’t becoming someone new. Sometimes it’s remembering who you were before the world told you to edit yourself.”

Learning to Hold Every Version of Myself

I think by the time I got to high school there were always two versions of myself. The soft romantic girl and the slightly emo, edgy girl who loved spooky things and lived for a good vampire story.

For the longest time I felt like I had to pick one.

Now I realize I don’t.

I can be both.

I can wear pink and still love horror movies. I can be soft and nurturing while also being bold and outspoken. I can embrace every version of myself without worrying about how it comes across to anyone else.

That’s what healing has given me.

The freedom to take up space exactly as I am.

The freedom to stop abandoning pieces of myself just to fit into certain rooms.

Lately, I’ve been realizing that I don’t fit neatly into one box, and honestly, I don’t want to. I’m an earthy, spiritual, hippie soul who talks to the moon, believes in signs from the universe, and finds comfort in nature. At the same time, there’s still a slight emo girl living inside me who romanticizes rainy days, nostalgic playlists, and feeling things deeply. Then, of course, there’s the sparkle girlie in me who loves getting her nails done, wearing something cute, and embracing her soft, feminine energy. Somehow all of those versions coexist. The earthy spiritual hippie, the emotional depth of the emo girl, and the glitter-loving feminine woman all make up who I am. None of them cancel each other out—they create the beautifully layered person I’ve become.

The Friendships That Still Feel Like Home

The other thing that’s been filling my cup lately has been reconnecting with old friendships.

This week I got to spend time with some friends from high school and it was amazing. When you spend your teenage years riding a bus for over an hour every day, you’re bound to collect stories, drama, laughter, and friendships that stay with you forever.

Even though we don’t see each other often, it always feels like no time has passed.

I love relationships like that.

Life happens. Some of us have kids. Some of us don’t. Some of us travel. Some of us are completely different people than we were ten years ago. Some of us are surprisingly the same.

All of it is valid.

What I appreciate most is being able to come together and share the difficult parts of life along with the beautiful ones. To witness each other healing, growing, and evolving in our own ways.

Funny enough, I’ve been saying for months that I needed to get out more and reconnect with people. Then out of nowhere, one of my best guy friends from high school came back into my life.

Life has a funny way of answering prayers.

It’s reminded me that if I’m asking for deeper friendships and stronger community, I have to be willing to nurture those relationships too. I have to be the kind of friend I’m hoping to receive.

The Tea: Learning to Want Without Chasing

Now for the tea.

And don’t do too much because yes, I know what I said back in February.

I’ve been holding strong.

No dating apps. No entertaining nonsense. No setups. No distractions. Let’s just say I’ve been sober from men for a few months now.

But there is this guy.

And no, I’m not going into too much detail because this blog isn’t really about him.

What I will say is that he is absolutely my type. Like, embarrassingly my type. The kind of fine that makes you question whether you’re being spiritually tested.

But what surprised me wasn’t the physical attraction.

It was the curiosity.

The more I’ve interacted with him, the more I’ve found myself interested in who he is beneath the surface. Interested in his layers. Interested in understanding what experiences shaped the version of him that exists today.

For the first time in a long time, I feel open to welcoming a romantic connection into my life.

Not because I need someone. Not because I think someone will complete me.

But because I’ve reached a point where my life feels stable, peaceful, and full enough to share it.

The reality is I don’t know what this connection is meant to be. Maybe there’s something there. Maybe there isn’t. Maybe our timing isn’t aligned. Maybe he’s simply not in a place to meet me where I am.

And honestly, that’s okay.

I’ve spent enough of my life trying to force outcomes. Trying to predict endings before stories had the chance to unfold.

I don’t want to do that anymore.

“I can hold desire in one hand and peace in the other.”

The Beauty of Not Knowing Yet

What I know is that I respect someone’s healing journey just as much as I respect my own. I know what it feels like to need time, space, and room to figure things out.

I can recognize what I feel without needing to control where it goes.

There was a time when uncertainty would have consumed me. I would have searched for answers, overanalyzed every interaction, and convinced myself that not knowing was some kind of emergency.

Now I’m learning how to sit with possibility.

Do I want more? Absolutely.

Do I know what will happen? Not at all.

But for the first time, not knowing doesn’t scare me.

Because my life is already full.

My friendships are growing. My fitness journey is taking off. I’m seeing changes in myself physically and emotionally. I’m creating. I’m healing. I’m building community.

And in a few short weeks I’ll have an entire month to do whatever my heart desires. More adventures. More side quests. More opportunities to pour into myself.

Maybe that’s what this season is really about.

Not finding all the answers.

Not forcing a relationship.

Not chasing certainty.

Maybe it’s simply about trusting myself enough to enjoy where I am while allowing the future to reveal itself when it’s ready.

Closing Mantra

I release the need to rush what is still unfolding. I can desire more without abandoning myself in the process. What is meant for me will arrive in its own time, and until then I will continue building a life that feels beautiful, meaningful, and full. My heart is safe in the unknown.

“For the first time in my life, I want something deeply without trying to control it.”