Softness Without Access

There is something almost unsettling about peace when chaos has been your normal for so long.

Lately I have caught myself looking around wondering if I am forgetting something. This is the first time in my life where there is genuinely no major chaos happening around me. And now that I have said that, watch some wild shit happen tomorrow.

I’m joking.

Well…mostly.

But seriously, it feels strange. For the first time in a very long time, I do not wake up feeling constantly on edge. I do not feel like I am waiting for the next disaster, the next lesson, the next heartbreak, or the next problem to solve.

I have found a rhythm in my healing journey.

A groove.

A place where I finally feel like I am applying everything I have learned over the last few years instead of constantly searching for more answers. There was a season where I felt like I needed another book, another podcast, another spiritual practice, another breakthrough. I was always searching for the thing that would finally help me break the cycle.

Now I realize that the lesson is not always in learning more. Sometimes the lesson is in applying what you already know.

This peace feels like part of the blessing that comes from bringing old cycles to completion.

Standing on Business

I am not going to sit here and pretend everything in my life is perfect.

There are still areas where I am very much in the testing phase. The difference is that now I can see the tests for what they are.

Life keeps placing situations in front of me that ask a simple question.

Are you actually healing?

Or are you just going through the motions?

It is one thing to talk about boundaries. It is another thing to enforce them.

It is one thing to talk about self worth. It is another thing to choose yourself when it matters.

It is one thing to talk about healing. It is another thing to apply those lessons in real time.

Recently I saw a quote that said, “My legs are sore from all the business I’ve been standing on.”

And honestly?

That is exactly the type of time I am on.

I said what I was going to do and now I am doing it.

Not talking about it. Not announcing it. Not threatening it. Just doing it.

Making Prayer a Lifestyle

One thing I know I need to do more of right now is journal.

The energy around me feels different. It feels elevated. It feels like something beautiful is preparing to unfold and I want to be present enough to document it.

Not everyone understands this part of my journey. Some experiences are difficult to explain unless you have lived them yourself. That is why journaling has become such a sacred space for me.

It allows me to release my thoughts, track my growth, and witness my evolution in real time.

At the same time, I have found myself leaning even deeper into prayer.

Not just when I need something.

Not just when life gets hard.

Not just when I am asking God to fix a problem.

I recently came across a clip of Lauren London talking about how she includes prayer throughout her entire day. It resonated with me because that is exactly how my relationship with God has evolved.

Thank you for waking me up. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for guiding me. Thank you for another opportunity to grow.

Prayer has become part of the small moments. The everyday moments. The ordinary moments.

Of course there are still times for deep prayer and spiritual warfare. There are moments that call for getting on your knees and surrendering everything.

But there is also beauty in simply acknowledging God throughout the day.

Inviting Him into every step.

Every decision. Every blessing. Every challenge.

Before my feet hit the floor in the morning and before my thoughts have a chance to take over, I pray for peace, protection, guidance, and gratitude.

Not because I need something.

But because God is part of my everyday life.

The Gift of Peace

The other day a friend asked me what was new in my life.

For the first time ever, I answered honestly.

Nothing.

And I meant it. There is no drama. There is no chaos. There is no man stressing me out. My life feels balanced.

Peaceful.

Grounded.

Even motherhood feels different these days.

It is still motherhood. It is still challenging. But my daughter and I have found a groove that feels natural and healthy.

Somewhere along the way I stopped believing that I always needed to be fixing something.

I stopped believing I always had to be doing something. I allowed myself to rest. To enjoy. To be present. To acknowledge how far I have actually come.

I worked hard for this peace.

I cried for this peace.

I prayed for this peace.

I healed for this peace.

So when tests appear, I apply the lesson and move on. I do not entertain bird behavior. I will continue choosing peace. I will continue choosing myself. I will continue protecting the life I worked so hard to build.

Leaving Room for Love

As beautiful as this season has been, I would be lying if I said there were no desires left in my heart.

There is still a part of me that longs for companionship. There is still a lover girl living inside of me. Not because I need someone to complete me. Not because I am lonely. But because there is something beautiful about sharing your life with someone who understands your heart.

Someone who can hold space for your truth. Someone who can witness your growth and allow you to witness theirs. The message I continue receiving about my love life is simple. The right person will come at the right time. I do not need perfection. I do not expect a man to arrive fully healed because I am not fully healed either.

Healing is a lifelong journey. What matters is awareness. What matters is accountability. What matters is the willingness to grow.

A trying man will always be more appealing than a man who refuses to look at himself.

The older I get, the more I realize that some of our greatest lessons are learned in community, friendship, and partnership.

Growth is not always a solo journey.

Sometimes healing happens when another person chooses to meet you with honesty, grace, and love.

Staying Soft

I think many of us who desire love have been hurt enough to understand why people build walls.

We have experienced disappointment, betrayal, heartbreak, and grief.

Sometimes it becomes difficult to trust whether someone’s intentions are genuine because life has taught us to expect the worst.

But every time I choose to put myself out there, I do so with confidence in the work I have done.

I trust myself.

I trust my discernment.

I trust my healing journey.

I know I will attract a love that adds to my life rather than asks me to abandon myself. I have worked too hard to become whole on my own. Too many tears have been cried to get here. And because of that, I refuse to allow my experiences to make me cold.

Protective?

Absolutely.

Discerning?

Always.

But hardened?

Never.

I could never intentionally walk into someone’s life carrying unresolved wounds and leave destruction behind because I refused to heal.

That is not who I am. And it never will be. I want a love that allows me to feel soft. A love that feels safe. A love that exists in balance.

Until then, I will continue becoming the woman capable of receiving it.

I will continue creating a life so full that any future relationship comes from overflow rather than lack.

Because love should never require me to empty my cup.

The right love will meet me where I am and bring its own cup too.

Until then, I choose peace.

I choose growth.

I choose gratitude.

And above all else, I choose myself.

“The woman I prayed to become finally arrived.”