Tag: love

Protecting the Peace I Prayed For

Learning How to Sit in Peace

I keep talking about the peace and balance that my life has right now. Honestly, for the first time in almost four years, there is peace.

And this week that peace made me uncomfortable.

I’m beyond grateful for how far I’ve come and how hard I’ve worked to get to this point. But when you’ve spent so much time living in survival mode where there’s constant chaos, drama, and a literal war within yourself, peace can feel unfamiliar.

Sometimes I catch myself waiting for the next disaster. Almost anticipating that something will go wrong so I can say, “Yep, there it is. It was too good to be true.”

It’s strange because I’ve spent years praying for this level of peace. Yet now that it’s here, part of me doesn’t quite know what to do with it.

I think that’s because chaos used to feel normal. Fighting battles used to feel normal. Being in a constant state of fixing, healing, surviving, and pushing through felt normal.

Peace doesn’t ask me to fight.

Peace asks me to sit still.

Peace asks me to trust.

Peace asks me to stop looking over my shoulder waiting for something bad to happen.

I have another week before my daughter leaves to visit her dad and honestly, I think the timing is divine. This inner teenager and young adult version of me that once thrived off chaos isn’t getting fed that way anymore. So now I’m being forced to face her head on.

I don’t know exactly how this season is going to unfold but I can feel something shifting. It’s happening a lot faster than I expected.

The Messages in My Dreams

Something else that’s been really significant for me lately has been my dreams.

I’ve talked about it here before but dreaming is one of my spiritual gifts. My dreams are vivid and more often than not they end up being prophetic.

Lately I’ve been having a lot of relationship themed dreams.

I’ve had dreams warning me about people from my past trying to reenter my life. I’ve had dreams showing me the energy and intentions behind certain connections. I’ve also had dreams about my future and glimpses of what partnership could look like for me one day.

It’s fascinating to experience the past, present, and future all within the dream world.

One thing I’ve learned over the years is that sometimes people appear in my dreams wearing the faces of people I know in my waking life. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s that exact person. Sometimes the dream is using a familiar face because that person represents a lesson, an energy, or a feeling that my subconscious recognizes.

The dream world has been very active lately.

I’ve also learned not to take every dream too literally. Not every warning requires action and not every glimpse of the future requires me to rush ahead.

The gift of knowing isn’t always about doing.

Sometimes it’s simply about receiving.

Sometimes it’s about paying attention.

And if action is required, it’s about preparing instead of trying to force, fix, or control an outcome.

For now, I’m choosing to trust what comes through and allow it to unfold in divine timing.

Calling My Energy Back

More than anything, I feel like I’m in a season of calling my energy back.

Back from people.

Back from situations.

Back from expectations.

Back from places and things that no longer serve me.

As I continue to grow in my healing journey and deepen my spiritual practices, I know I’m protected and prayed up. But that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t have control over the people around me. And honestly, I don’t want that kind of control.

What I can control is how much access people have to me.

I’m learning the art of detachment.

I’m learning how to create space without guilt.

I’m learning that boundaries aren’t punishment. They’re protection.

There is only one thing in this life that I can control and that’s me. So when people show me who they are more than once, I believe them and move accordingly.

I don’t like when people make me be mean. Truthfully, I wouldn’t even call it being mean because being mean takes too much energy and I don’t have time for that.

What I will do is call my energy back.

I will create distance.

I will remove access.

I will choose myself.

I think people get upset when you stop participating in unhealthy dynamics. They get uncomfortable when you no longer tolerate the behavior they’ve grown accustomed to giving you.

But that’s not my responsibility.

I saw the pattern.

I acknowledged the behavior.

I made a decision that was best for me.

That’s not being mean.

That’s being self aware.

That’s choosing peace.

I’ve spent too much of my life living in survival mode to willingly return to environments that leave me feeling drained, anxious, or emotionally unsafe.

Even with the people I care about the most, I can’t choose them over me.

As much as I may love someone or desire a connection with them, if things aren’t being reciprocated, if growth isn’t happening, or if I find myself carrying the weight of the relationship alone, I have to step back and allow people the space to figure themselves out.

This season is teaching me that choosing myself isn’t selfish.

It’s necessary.

I worked too hard for this peace not to protect it.

A Season of Rest

Part of protecting my peace has been recognizing where I need rest.

And honestly, I think that includes this blog.

As much as I love writing and as hard as I’ve worked to make this dream a reality, it’s still a labor of love. It takes time to figure out what I want to say, organize my thoughts, edit everything, and make sure I’m sharing from a healthy place.

I have people who reach out every week with feedback. I have readers who genuinely look forward to these blogs. And then there are the silent readers and watchers who tune in regularly and I have absolutely no idea who they are.

That’s the nature of creating online.

Sometimes it’s beautiful.

Sometimes it’s overwhelming.

Lately I’ve been wondering if I need a break.

Not because I don’t love this space but because I want to honor the season I’m in.

Maybe I take the summer off and call it the end of Season One.

Maybe I come back in the fall with fresh experiences, fresh lessons, and a fresh perspective.

I’m not entirely sure yet.

What I do know is that Spirit has never led me wrong. So whatever decision I make, I trust it will be the right one for this chapter of my life.

Why Does This Always Happen?

Now for the funny part.

It’s always interesting to me that every single time I decide to focus on myself, the universe sends men.

Without fail.

The second I say, “You know what? Let me pour into myself. Let me focus on my healing. Let me mind my business,” suddenly everyone wants access.

I get asked out.

I get messages.

I get approached.

I get flirted with.

And honestly, I’ve been keeping to myself more than ever.

I don’t really entertain people these days. I’m very transparent about where I am in life. I can tell pretty quickly when someone is operating from lust and not genuine interest.

One of my favorite questions to ask is, “Why do you want to go out with me?”

The answer usually tells me everything I need to know.

And once I have my answer, I continue my walk with Christ. Me and Christ alone, lol.

The funniest part is that this doesn’t just happen outside of work.

It happens at work too.

Sir, I am looking my absolute worst right now. Running around. Trying to get through my day. And somehow you’re still shooting your shot.

The young ones.

The older ones.

The healthy and the sick ones.

Nobody has any shame in their game.

I respect the confidence. I truly do.

But the answer is still no. Respectfully.

The answer is no for now. Because in this season, my focus isn’t on who wants access to me.

My focus is on making sure I deserve access to myself.

Asé.

Closing Mantra:

“I call my energy back from every place it no longer belongs and return it to myself with love.” ✨🖤

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Still Soft, Still Unreachable

Softness Without Access

There is something almost unsettling about peace when chaos has been your normal for so long.

Lately I have caught myself looking around wondering if I am forgetting something. This is the first time in my life where there is genuinely no major chaos happening around me. And now that I have said that, watch some wild shit happen tomorrow.

I’m joking.

Well…mostly.

But seriously, it feels strange. For the first time in a very long time, I do not wake up feeling constantly on edge. I do not feel like I am waiting for the next disaster, the next lesson, the next heartbreak, or the next problem to solve.

I have found a rhythm in my healing journey.

A groove.

A place where I finally feel like I am applying everything I have learned over the last few years instead of constantly searching for more answers. There was a season where I felt like I needed another book, another podcast, another spiritual practice, another breakthrough. I was always searching for the thing that would finally help me break the cycle.

Now I realize that the lesson is not always in learning more. Sometimes the lesson is in applying what you already know.

This peace feels like part of the blessing that comes from bringing old cycles to completion.

Standing on Business

I am not going to sit here and pretend everything in my life is perfect.

There are still areas where I am very much in the testing phase. The difference is that now I can see the tests for what they are.

Life keeps placing situations in front of me that ask a simple question.

Are you actually healing?

Or are you just going through the motions?

It is one thing to talk about boundaries. It is another thing to enforce them.

It is one thing to talk about self worth. It is another thing to choose yourself when it matters.

It is one thing to talk about healing. It is another thing to apply those lessons in real time.

Recently I saw a quote that said, “My legs are sore from all the business I’ve been standing on.”

And honestly?

That is exactly the type of time I am on.

I said what I was going to do and now I am doing it.

Not talking about it. Not announcing it. Not threatening it. Just doing it.

Making Prayer a Lifestyle

One thing I know I need to do more of right now is journal.

The energy around me feels different. It feels elevated. It feels like something beautiful is preparing to unfold and I want to be present enough to document it.

Not everyone understands this part of my journey. Some experiences are difficult to explain unless you have lived them yourself. That is why journaling has become such a sacred space for me.

It allows me to release my thoughts, track my growth, and witness my evolution in real time.

At the same time, I have found myself leaning even deeper into prayer.

Not just when I need something.

Not just when life gets hard.

Not just when I am asking God to fix a problem.

I recently came across a clip of Lauren London talking about how she includes prayer throughout her entire day. It resonated with me because that is exactly how my relationship with God has evolved.

Thank you for waking me up. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for guiding me. Thank you for another opportunity to grow.

Prayer has become part of the small moments. The everyday moments. The ordinary moments.

Of course there are still times for deep prayer and spiritual warfare. There are moments that call for getting on your knees and surrendering everything.

But there is also beauty in simply acknowledging God throughout the day.

Inviting Him into every step.

Every decision. Every blessing. Every challenge.

Before my feet hit the floor in the morning and before my thoughts have a chance to take over, I pray for peace, protection, guidance, and gratitude.

Not because I need something.

But because God is part of my everyday life.

The Gift of Peace

The other day a friend asked me what was new in my life.

For the first time ever, I answered honestly.

Nothing.

And I meant it. There is no drama. There is no chaos. There is no man stressing me out. My life feels balanced.

Peaceful.

Grounded.

Even motherhood feels different these days.

It is still motherhood. It is still challenging. But my daughter and I have found a groove that feels natural and healthy.

Somewhere along the way I stopped believing that I always needed to be fixing something.

I stopped believing I always had to be doing something. I allowed myself to rest. To enjoy. To be present. To acknowledge how far I have actually come.

I worked hard for this peace.

I cried for this peace.

I prayed for this peace.

I healed for this peace.

So when tests appear, I apply the lesson and move on. I do not entertain bird behavior. I will continue choosing peace. I will continue choosing myself. I will continue protecting the life I worked so hard to build.

Leaving Room for Love

As beautiful as this season has been, I would be lying if I said there were no desires left in my heart.

There is still a part of me that longs for companionship. There is still a lover girl living inside of me. Not because I need someone to complete me. Not because I am lonely. But because there is something beautiful about sharing your life with someone who understands your heart.

Someone who can hold space for your truth. Someone who can witness your growth and allow you to witness theirs. The message I continue receiving about my love life is simple. The right person will come at the right time. I do not need perfection. I do not expect a man to arrive fully healed because I am not fully healed either.

Healing is a lifelong journey. What matters is awareness. What matters is accountability. What matters is the willingness to grow.

A trying man will always be more appealing than a man who refuses to look at himself.

The older I get, the more I realize that some of our greatest lessons are learned in community, friendship, and partnership.

Growth is not always a solo journey.

Sometimes healing happens when another person chooses to meet you with honesty, grace, and love.

Staying Soft

I think many of us who desire love have been hurt enough to understand why people build walls.

We have experienced disappointment, betrayal, heartbreak, and grief.

Sometimes it becomes difficult to trust whether someone’s intentions are genuine because life has taught us to expect the worst.

But every time I choose to put myself out there, I do so with confidence in the work I have done.

I trust myself.

I trust my discernment.

I trust my healing journey.

I know I will attract a love that adds to my life rather than asks me to abandon myself. I have worked too hard to become whole on my own. Too many tears have been cried to get here. And because of that, I refuse to allow my experiences to make me cold.

Protective?

Absolutely.

Discerning?

Always.

But hardened?

Never.

I could never intentionally walk into someone’s life carrying unresolved wounds and leave destruction behind because I refused to heal.

That is not who I am. And it never will be. I want a love that allows me to feel soft. A love that feels safe. A love that exists in balance.

Until then, I will continue becoming the woman capable of receiving it.

I will continue creating a life so full that any future relationship comes from overflow rather than lack.

Because love should never require me to empty my cup.

The right love will meet me where I am and bring its own cup too.

Until then, I choose peace.

I choose growth.

I choose gratitude.

And above all else, I choose myself.

“The woman I prayed to become finally arrived.”

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The Lover Girl Evolves: Loving Without Self Abandonment

Letting the Situation Change Me

I think it is about time that I let the situation change me. And I do not mean that in a bitter way. I mean that with softness, love, and compassion for myself.

Since I opened myself up to dating again and outwardly expressing love in a romantic way, it has felt like lesson after lesson. If you want the tea on dating app catastrophes and my past experiences, scroll back to my earlier blogs. I break down everything I have learned through those situations.

I recently went through another one (yes I know I said I was done but here we are). And this time it took me longer than it should have to see the lesson clearly.

The first thing I had to accept is that I have to stop blaming myself for someone else’s actions and how they chose to treat me. We are all grown. We know exactly what we are doing. We know how we are treating the people we claim to love and care for. Trauma does not excuse it. Religion does not excuse it. Spiritual journeys do not excuse it. Healing timelines do not excuse it.

Especially when there is vulnerability. Especially when I am communicating how I feel. Especially when I am patient.

People know exactly how they are treating you. You should never have to over explain yourself repeatedly. And when someone disrespects you, plays in your face, becomes avoidant, or breadcrumbs you, the first time you notice the pattern you walk away. It is a pattern. And it is a choice.

Too many people preach but do not practice what they preach. There’s no remorse. No accountability. No truth. No conversation just avoidance and silence.

If I had listened to my gut from the beginning and honored my discernment, I would not have attached myself to someone who was not mine to attach to.

Accountability and Spiritual Growth

I will always hold my hand up and say I have been the toxic one before. I have hurt people. I have lied. I have acted selfishly. I own that.

I never tell my story from a place of pride. I tell it because I am living proof that people can change when they truly do the internal work. Therapy. Reflection. Accountability.

Hurt people hurt people. That is real.

Loving others the way you want to be loved is biblical. Loving your neighbor is biblical. I may not know the exact verses, I think it’s something like “Do to others as you would have them do to you” but I know the spirit of it. Walking with God is not about perfection. It is daily practice. It is integrity when no one is watching. It is choosing honesty when it would be easier to avoid it.

Dormant, Not Dead

The lover girl in me is not gone. She is dormant.

Not because she is bitter. Not because she is hardened. But because not everyone has the capacity to cherish that version of me. I keep pouring into people who are not ready to receive it or who do not understand the value that version of me carries.

That does not mean I stop being loving. That does not mean I stop being kind, light filled, and intentional in my daily life. That is my character. That is who I am as a woman. I will not change that because someone failed to appreciate it.

But when it comes to romantic love, I am no longer seeking it. I love myself too much to ever let anyone treat me like an option. Like I am not worthy. Like I am not God’s favorite.

I avoided praying for realignment because I knew it would shift my reality. But once too many tears fell and the cycle of inconsistency, breadcrumbing, push and pull became undeniable, everything I needed to know was revealed to me. I did not have to seek it. It came to me.

My dreams tell me everything. My discernment speaks loudly. My walk with Christ is not about memorizing scripture. It is about living the work. Breathing the healing. Crying when I need to. And still accepting the truth when it is uncomfortable.

Loving Hard With Protection

I love hard. I crave union. I crave connection with my person.

But I have to reel in the lover girl because she gets me stuck. She sees potential. She is patient. She believes in people. She loves deeply.

And while that is beautiful, it can also leave me attached to situations that do not align.

I have to hold my romantic heart closer to me. The love God placed inside me deserves protection. The lover girl will return fully when actions align with words.

I also have to accept my own role in my suffering. The choice was made months ago. I just did not want to accept it.

Closure Is Not Required

Closure is not needed to move on. They do not owe you an explanation. And no matter how badly you want the truth, you may never get it.

And that is okay.

If I waited my whole life for apologies or clarity, I would still be the broken woman I was years ago chasing something that was never meant for me.

The Standard Moving Forward

My man will respect me. He will cherish me. He will be honest and transparent even when it is uncomfortable. He will be consistent. He will show effort. He will add to my life, not drain me or leave me confused and anxious.

No obstacle, excuse, silence, or avoidance will overpower what is meant for me. God and choosing each other daily will be the center of our foundation.

Protection, Not Bitterness

This shift is protection.

At the end of the day, people move on. They build rosters. They choose the next. And when they do not choose you, you and God are left to pick up the pieces and heal again.

I want to move with love and intention but with a healthy level of protection over my soft heart. The streets are not for me. I am meant to be soft. Meant to be a lover girl for my man.

But there is a process that has to take place before that softness is safe.

I am patient enough. I love myself enough to wait. I am not searching anymore. The love I keep trying to receive from others, I will pour back into myself.

I will start over as many times as necessary until I get it right. The key is learning the lessons and refusing to repeat the cycles.

If you are not going to better my life, leave me alone.

If you are not going to treat me properly, leave me alone.

If you are unsure about me, leave me alone.

If I am not what you are looking for, leave me alone.

I am not for everyone. And that is okay. But stop hurting good women who are actually trying to do things right. If you are not ready, find someone at your pace. And when you are ready, come with full effort.

Until then, leave us lover girls alone.

Sincerely,

Former Lover Girl💋

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For the Lover Girls

By the time you are reading this, it’s the day after Valentine’s Day — and no, it’s not “side chick day” or the day for leftover lover girls. No. I’m reclaiming this holiday. For me, it’s Lover Girl Day — every day.

Because loving deeply is not seasonal. It’s not embarrassing. It’s not foolish. It’s sacred.

Sometimes I wonder — am I a lover girl… or am I simply a woman who wants to be loved correctly?

Instead of praying for God to remove what is not for me, I’m choosing to pray forward now. To pray for what I am ready to welcome. I trust that God’s plan is always more accurate than my desires — but I also believe He honors a heart that speaks honestly about what it longs for.

So this is my honest prayer. And maybe, my honest letter to you.

I want a love that is patient. Gentle in tone. Steady in presence.

I want to feel seen, heard, and deeply valued — not occasionally, but consistently.

I want a love that makes my nervous system feel safe. Where my body can exhale.

I want a love where I am loved for who I am — not reshaped into someone more convenient.

I want romance that is thoughtful. Intentional. Alive.

Not performative — but natural.

The kind where sweetness isn’t forced — it flows.

I want a love that nurtures, builds, and grows with me — not around me.

A love that is mutual, never begged for.

A love where effort is not negotiated — it is given freely.

I want a love that feels like part of God’s purpose — not a distraction from it.

A love where God is not invited in emergencies — but centered daily.

A love where I am valued in mind, body, and spirit.

I want to never question where I stand with you.

Never decode silence.

Never shrink to be chosen.

I want a love that feels pure. Natural. Good.

A love that wraps around me in softness, warmth, and comfort — not confusion.

And on the hard days — because they will come —

I want a love that always finds its way back to each other.

Not through ego. Through grace.

I want a love that chooses me — every single time.

I am, and will always be, a hopeless romantic — not because I am naive, but because I am faithful.

For the lover girls who still love love even when the world has tried to harden them — this is our rebellion.

Faith and fear sit on the same spectrum — and I choose faith now.

I choose love now.

I choose softness with discernment.

I choose to believe that the love I give will return to me — multiplied, matured, and God-aligned.

And if you are the one reading this someday as my answered prayer —

handle my heart gently.

It is strong — but it is soft on purpose

Asé

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