Why Does It Feel So Heavy?

Every time I beg God to give me a break, it feels like He doubles down on me instead.

The moment I feel like I finally have a grip on my journey, my purpose, my relationships, my work life, or my emotions, something comes along to shake the table again. It feels like there are lessons coming from every direction all at once.

But maybe that is the lesson.

Maybe growth is not supposed to feel comfortable.
Maybe healing is not just isolation and journaling and praying.
Maybe healing is also being placed back into rooms with people who test your patience, test your boundaries, test your throat chakra, and test whether you are truly going to stand up for yourself this time.

Because how else are we supposed to grow unless life gives us opportunities to apply what we claim we learned?

Standing In My Truth

One of the biggest things I have been facing lately is learning how to stand ten toes down in rooms with people who may not like me, talk about me, complain about me, lie on me, watch me closely, or secretly hope I stay stuck so I never surpass them.

And the truth is, I do not shrink myself anymore.

I spent most of my life being a people pleaser.
Choosing silence over honesty.
Making myself smaller so everyone else could feel comfortable around me.

That is not who I am anymore.

Now I show up as my full authentic self everywhere I go. Whoever does not like that is simply not my problem.

The moment someone starts moving weird toward me, I reclaim my energy immediately. My intuition is rarely wrong and I have learned to trust what I feel instead of waiting for proof to validate it.

I can be around you without allowing you access to me.
I can be cordial without inviting you into my personal space.
I can love people from a distance while still protecting my peace.

And what people fail to understand is that there does not always have to be some huge argument or dramatic fallout for me to distance myself.

Sometimes I simply observe.
I pay attention.
I notice when actions stop matching words.
And once I see enough, I move accordingly.

Quietly.

Protecting My Energy

I have worked too hard on myself to keep entertaining certain energies.

I do not align myself with jealous women, constant negativity, manipulative people, chronic complainers, habitual liars, or people who spend all day gossiping about others instead of working on themselves.

Do not get me wrong, everybody loves a little tea sometimes. But if all someone talks about is other people, eventually you realize it comes from bitterness, insecurity, or projection.

If I feel like I cannot trust you, why would I continue giving you access to my inner world?

Why would I tell you my dreams, my plans, or the things that actually matter to me?

These days I have mastered keeping certain relationships surface level. Calm. Friendly. Respectful. But limited.

Because everybody does not deserve full access to me anymore.

Learning How To Release

Lately my emotions have been all over the place.

One day I feel like I am completely crashing out and the next day I sit there asking myself what I am even stressing over because deep down I already know everything is working out for me.

I know I am blessed.
I know God has carried me this far for a reason.
I know my life is shifting.

But overthinking still gets the best of me sometimes.

The difference now is that I no longer try to suppress what I feel. I let myself release it.

Sometimes that looks like crying.
Sometimes it looks like journaling.
Sometimes it looks like praying.
Sometimes it looks like finally speaking up about what has been bothering me.
Sometimes it looks like moving my body and letting the energy leave through movement.

And honestly, that has been changing my life lately.

I recently took my first hot yoga class and I loved every single minute of it. Even more than Pilates.

There was something so grounding about it.
So intentional.
So freeing.

Now I want to try regular yoga, hot Pilates, aerial silks, and bungee classes too. I want to explore new ways to move my body outside of just strength training.

And truthfully, I think those classes are attracting my kind of people.
People searching for more.
People trying to reconnect with themselves.
People wanting peace instead of performance.

Even if it is eight in the morning on a Wednesday, those are my people.

Realigning With My Purpose

Recently it feels like I keep meeting people who are living parts of the life I dream about.

People who found their way out of survival mode.
People who stepped outside of the traditional rat race.
People who created lives that actually feel aligned instead of just socially acceptable.

And every time I meet someone like that, it feels intentional.

Like God keeps placing reminders in front of me so I do not forget what I truly want for myself.

Because a while back, despite everything looking good on the outside, I still felt empty.

I had my own place.
A new car.
Two jobs.
I was supporting myself and my daughter.
Working out consistently.
Eating well.
Showing up.
Handling responsibilities.

From the outside, everything looked successful.

But internally something still felt missing.

And I realized it was because I had drifted away from my why.

I got so caught up in surviving the day to day routine that I stopped nurturing the bigger vision I originally had for my life.

Delayed Does Not Mean Denied

Now that some time has passed, I keep receiving little nudges reminding me that I need to move differently.

More quietly.
More intentionally.
More protected.

I have also realized that I talk too much sometimes.

Every time I announce something too early, somehow the energy around it shifts before it fully materializes. So lately I have been learning to keep certain things sacred until they are solidified.

Not everything needs an audience while it is growing.

And maybe that lesson ties into patience too.

Because just because I want something badly does not mean I am fully prepared to receive and maintain it yet.

There were seasons where my desire for the blessing was stronger than my readiness to sustain it.

And that is where patience comes in.

I still have moments where I crash out over not having what I want when I want it.
I still get frustrated.
I still spiral sometimes.

But deep down I know waiting has purpose.

The things meant for me will not miss me.
And what God is preparing for me will require a version of me mature enough to maintain it, multiply it, and protect it.

So for now I am learning to release control.
Learning to stop forcing timelines.
Learning to let go and let God.

Closing Mantra:

I trust that every delay, every lesson, and every redirection is shaping me into the version of myself capable of sustaining the life I pray for. I no longer chase what is meant for me in fear. I move with faith, discernment, and patience knowing that what belongs to me will arrive in divine timing and remain rooted in peace.

To The Moms Holding It All Together

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there first and foremost.

Honestly I’m not really at the stage where I fully enjoy Mother’s Day yet. I ended up picking up a shift I didn’t plan to work and then my daughter got sick Friday night into Saturday. So the one weekend I wanted to slow down and pour back into myself became another reminder that motherhood does not clock out. My baby needed extra love and care and naturally I redirected that energy right back to her.

Such is motherhood right?

But I wanted to make this blog specifically for the moms out there just doing the damn thing every single day. Waking up and taking care of your child. Working full time. Healing yourself while still supporting everyone around you. Constantly pouring out of your cup into everybody else’s.

And I especially want to speak to the single moms because chileeee… we really are a different breed.

This is no shade to the moms with amazing partners and support systems because that support matters. But this one is for the solo moms. The ones carrying the emotional weight, the financial weight, the mental load and still somehow finding the strength to show up every day.

The Parts I Don’t Usually Talk About

I don’t really speak on motherhood, pregnancy, or postpartum much. Mainly because there was a lot of pain attached to such a life changing experience for me. It’s still a touchy subject but I’ve healed enough now where talking about it no longer completely takes me under.

You guys know I keep it transparent around here so I do want to share a little bit about what motherhood has looked like for me outside of the cute moments and daily routines.

When I was living in Washington and found out I was pregnant it was honestly one of the best feelings in the world. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Deep down I knew becoming a mother would unlock a version of myself I had never met before.

I just had no idea how deeply that transformation would change me.

Things got hard pretty quickly. I had just started a new job and didn’t have health insurance yet so I didn’t even get my first ultrasound until I was almost 19 weeks pregnant. I had HG which meant severe morning sickness and I felt terrible most of the time. But I still kept pushing through because I didn’t know what else to do except survive and take care of myself the best way I could.

Toward the end of my pregnancy I kept feeling like something wasn’t right. Every appointment I brought up concerns and kept getting brushed off. I knew my daughter wasn’t head down but I was constantly told everything looked fine and there was still time.

The day of my baby shower my water broke early.

I ended up delivering my daughter at 35 weeks through an emergency c section after staying pregnant a few extra days for steroid shots to help develop her lungs. And the crazy part is I was right the entire time. My daughter was incomplete breech. One leg up and one leg down.

Thankfully she came into this world healthy and strong.

Looking back I still wish I advocated for myself more. I wish I had felt more cared for throughout my pregnancy experience. But at the same time I give grace to the version of me that was simply trying to survive while carrying so much mentally, emotionally, and physically.

The Woman Motherhood Created

Once I had my daughter everything changed.

I had no choice but to become a woman in a completely different way. I became more protective. More selfless. More aware of the kind of life and environment I wanted for us.

At some point I packed up two suitcases, a diaper bag, my breast milk supply and left. I never looked back.

And honestly I never would have found that kind of courage if it wasn’t for her.

Motherhood pulled every version of me to the surface. The warrior. The protector. The healer. The survivor. The soft version of me too.

All of the hardship I experienced before, during, and after pregnancy built me into the woman and mother I am today. Not because I deserved those struggles but because I refused to let them break me.

Breaking Generational Patterns

One thing motherhood has taught me is that children deserve respect too.

I talk to my daughter with love and understanding. I explain things to her instead of shutting her down. I apologize when I’m wrong. I let her express herself safely and openly.

I’m raising her with the kind of emotional awareness I wish more of us grew up with.

I truly believe our children choose us in this lifetime and I take that responsibility seriously. I know I’m already breaking so many generational patterns and I plan to continue doing that through the way I raise her.

Motherhood feels like a second chance at reparenting myself while raising her at the same time.

And let me tell you something… unless you know Soleil in real life you would never guess she’s only three because baby girl acts like she’s thirteen already. There is never a dull moment with her.

A Different Kind Of Love

That unconditional love between a mother and child is truly unmatched.

I never fully understood love until I had her. I never saw life clearly until I had her. I never truly knew myself until I had her.

So when I say my daughter saved my life I mean that with every ounce of my being.

My job as her mother is not to mold her into who I want her to be or hold onto her like a possession. My job is to guide her. Protect her. Support her. Love her deeply while she grows into whoever she is meant to become.

And because of her my prayers have changed too.

I no longer pray for the picture perfect version of success. I pray for peace. Safety. Liberation. Purpose. Protection over me and my daughter. A fulfilled life filled with love and self awareness.

I pray that what I heal now changes the generations after us.

To Every Mother Reading This

Motherhood has pushed me to become the strongest version of myself.

There are tears that nobody sees. Angry cries behind closed doors. Moments where you feel exhausted beyond words. But somehow the laughs, cuddles, tiny moments, random conversations, and unconditional love always outweigh the hard days.

So today I just want to say Happy Mother’s Day to every mother out there.

You are doing the best you can with the tools you have.

Your love matters. Your sacrifices matter. Your presence matters.

And if nobody has told you lately… you are doing an amazing job.

Keep going mama. One day your child will fully understand just how deeply they were loved.

Closing Mantra:

I may not have had the perfect journey into motherhood but I became the woman I was always meant to be through it. Strong enough to protect. Soft enough to love deeply. Wise enough to break the cycle. And powerful enough to create a new beginning for me and my daughter.

I know I’m infamous for this and I’ve probably said it a million times already, but I’m off social media right now.

Every time I take a break and come back, it feels like chaos. This time it was just too much. I genuinely felt like I was going crazy from the overload of information.

There are so many creators, so many opinions, so many videos, and it became overwhelming.

You all know I’ve been on a healing journey mentally, physically, and spiritually. I’ve been working out consistently, eating clean, journaling, writing this blog, being the best solo mom I can be, working full time plus a second job, and trying to navigate life while still healing.

And honestly, that’s already a lot.

What I realized is that my algorithm has become too in tune with me. Whatever kind of content I consume suddenly becomes my entire feed. One minute it’s workout videos and meal prep inspiration, and the next it’s relationship advice flooding my screen.

“This man doesn’t like you.” “If he ghosted you, this is why.” “If he does this, run.” “If he does that, he’s the one.”

Then it switches to healing quotes, motivational speeches, and “be the best version of yourself” content.

It became constant noise.

And somewhere in the middle of all that noise, I started losing touch with my own thoughts.

The scariest part was realizing how deeply the algorithm had learned me. It wasn’t just showing me general content anymore. It was pushing things connected to what was on my mind, even reflecting certain patterns so specifically that it started to feel invasive.

That was the moment I knew I needed to step back. I needed time to get my mind right and reconnect with my reality.

Because it’s so easy to overconsume on social media. It used to be TikTok, but now Instagram feels the same. No matter where I went, it was endless information, endless opinions, endless emotional stimulation.

And when you’re trying to heal, that kind of constant noise can pull you further away from yourself. The hard part is that I genuinely want to create. I want to share my journey because I know there are people who follow along, who value what I say, and who resonate with what I share.

But lately, content creation hasn’t felt authentic. I want to create from a place of truth, not from pressure. I want to share because it feels aligned, not because I feel obligated to stay visible. By the time you read this, I’ll be a few days into deactivating Instagram and logging out of everything else.

I needed the pause.

And maybe I won’t stay completely offline. Maybe I’ll log in to post my blog and then log right back out. But for right now, I need boundaries.

I need peace.

I also had to confront the way “locking in” became another pressure I was putting on myself. I kept telling myself, If I just lock in for the next month, everything will change.

But the truth is, I’m already doing so much.

I’m waking up before 5 a.m. I’m working out. I’m working two jobs. I’m raising my daughter. I’m journaling. I’m writing. I’m healing.

What else is there to “lock in” on?

At some point, I had to admit that I don’t need to add more. I need to rest more. I don’t need another productivity goal.

I need stillness.

And that realization was freeing.

Lately, I’ve noticed how anxious I’ve become, how attached I’ve felt to people, outcomes, and expectations. That isn’t the version of me I want to nurture. So this break is about choosing peace.

It’s about stepping away from the noise, stepping away from the pressure, and allowing myself to breathe again. And in this season, that includes stepping away from seeking love. Not because I’ve given up, but because I want peace more than I want attention.

I’m not on dating apps. I’m not entertaining conversations. I’m not chasing possibilities.

Right now, I crave stillness more than romance. Of course I still desire connection. I still believe in love. But I no longer want to force it, search for it, or exhaust myself trying to decode it.

When the time is right, what is meant for me will find me. Until then, my only responsibility is to keep growing.

To keep healing. To keep evolving. To keep becoming.

Because every repeated cycle is teaching me something, even if I don’t fully understand the lesson yet. The only way through is through. I can’t stay guarded forever, but I also don’t need to force anything open before its time. And maybe one of the biggest things I’m learning is that softness is not weakness. I’ve wondered if I’m too soft. Too caring. Too willing to see the good in people.

But I’m realizing that softness is one of my strengths. No matter how many times life disappoints me, I still move with love. I still choose compassion. I still choose grace. And in a world that often rewards detachment, that kind of softness is rare. I no longer see that as something to fix.

The truth is, when I choose to let someone into my life, I’m not looking for what they can give me. I’m not looking to be saved. I’m not looking for perfection. I’m simply looking for connection. I want to know the real person. I want honesty. I want presence. I want depth.

Because love is not about finding someone flawless. It’s about seeing someone clearly and choosing them fully. My understanding of relationships has changed. Real connection requires patience. It requires acceptance. It requires the willingness to love someone through their layers while also allowing yourself to be loved through yours.

I’ve had to learn that with myself first. To accept myself. To love myself through every layer. Through the healing, the trauma, the growth, and the becoming. And I think that’s where real love begins.

So for now, I am choosing stillness. I am choosing peace over pressure. Rest over performance. Presence over noise.

And maybe this pause is exactly what I need to hear myself again.

Closing Mantra:

I release the need to chase, force, or figure everything out. What is meant for me will meet me in peace. Until then, I honor my healing, protect my softness, and trust the timing of my life.

There really is not anything wild going on right now. It feels like life keeps trying to humble me, and honestly, I am just letting it ride out.

At this point, what else am I going to do but wait?

I already believe that everything is working out for my greater good, so why stress about it? I truly believe that what is meant for me will always be for me. I cannot miss out on any blessing that is meant to find me.

I just needed to get that off my chest so now I can move into the real lesson this week. I feel like I am in a season of patience. A season that is forcing me to slow down.

Maybe it comes from the survival mode I lived in for so long, where I felt like everything had to be planned out perfectly for me to feel safe. Every plan, every move, every next step had to be carefully controlled so I could feel secure in where I was headed.

But when something is already aligned for me, I cannot force it to happen sooner. I cannot rush the process and expect to arrive at the blessing before I am ready for it.

So maybe this season is about learning to enjoy the time, the space, and the opportunity to appreciate the process before reaching the goal.

And honestly, I am proud of myself.

I am proud that I am finally stepping back into content creation. I have been so happy to find new ways to express where I am in my journey. It has been amazing for my mental health to get back into a morning routine that feels right for me.

Taking time to care for myself and pour into myself before the day begins, before everyone else needs something from me, has changed so much.

I feel stronger. I feel more confident in my body after carrying years of survival in it.

Working out has become daily therapy for me. It helps me move stagnant energy and release some of the physical weight I have been carrying for years.

Journaling consistently, and even randomly sharing thoughts online, has become a healthy outlet for me. It gives me a place to release the lessons, thoughts, and realizations that come to me throughout the day.

And it feels good knowing that someone else might resonate with it.

Lately, I have felt a huge transition happening in my life. It feels like something is shifting, almost physically, even though I do not fully know where that redirection is taking me yet.

One thing I have had to reframe is my relationship with moving. I have realized that I actually love moving. I love the feeling of starting over, starting fresh, and physically seeing change happen in my life.

When life gets hard, moving has always been something I could control. It became my way of creating movement when I felt stuck. Being able to pick up and go made me feel powerful. It made me feel like I had control over where my life was headed.

But now that I am a mom, that urge feels different.

Sometimes I feel tied to stability, routine, and the structure of everyday life because I want to create that for my daughter. And while I understand how important stability is, part of me questions why I feel guilty for wanting more freedom when freedom is exactly what I want to teach her.

If I am trying to break free from cycles that never fulfilled me, why would I feel guilty for wanting to show her something different? I am not planning to move right now, but I do feel like my time on the Cape has an expiration date. I believe I came here for a purpose, and that purpose is not complete yet.

So until then, I have to keep pushing through the moments of doubt, through the moments of lack, and trust that the bigger picture is still unfolding.

Recently, something reminded me that I still have work to do within myself. Not in a painful way, but in a way that made me realize I am still learning how to believe I can create the life I see for myself right now, not someday.

And it all comes back to trusting the process. We are not supposed to have everything figured out right away.

For the last three years, I have worked so hard to change my life that everything started to feel serious all the time. I was always trying to heal something, fix something, push myself harder, and prepare for the next step.

But now I am entering a season where I want to do things simply because they bring me joy.

I think the next level of healing for me is finding balance. Learning that discipline and softness can coexist. Learning that growth and joy can exist at the same time. Learning that I do not have to be in survival mode to keep evolving. Right now, these next few weeks feel very intentional. I know I am being called to continue caring for myself, prioritizing my well-being, and allowing life to unfold without forcing it.

To let time flow. To move with trust. To be spiritually led toward whatever comes next.

And for the first time in a long time, I am learning to be okay with not knowing exactly what that is.

Closing Mantra:

I am no longer rushing my becoming. I trust the pace, I honor the journey, and I allow life to meet me where I am.

In the Trenches of My Own Mind

Y’all, I am in the trenches of my own mind right now. And sometimes I really hate that I feel so much and so deeply. Like, I know I am so far gone on my path of walking in my purpose because there is no way I went my entire life not feeling this energy, this transfer with each interaction I was having. Because I can read a person down. It’s definitely more intense in person, but the fact that I can do it through the phone now is insane to me.

But what I really want to talk about is this: even though I am on my healing journey, it’s just that, a journey. A conscious choice, daily, to live and walk in that power. So I’m going to be open, honest, and transparent about where I am emotionally and physically in my healing journey. I’m still repeating cycles and even creating new toxic ones that I now have to work toward healing, so I don’t bring that energy into the future relationships and unions that I have.

---

Deleting the Apps and Why

I deleted all the dating apps I was on. It was only two, but it was two too many. I really am a lover girl and I hate having a roster. I hate the same small talk, circular conversations with multiple men and keeping up with all of them. There were definitely dry spells, but then there would be rushes. Y’all remember when I posted my notifications from Hinge? I had over 50 new likes and I just didn’t know what to do with myself.

I was upfront about what I was looking for: deeper, more meaningful connections, taking the time to get to know each other, seeing if our values, goals, dreams, and energy aligned. But I feel like dating apps can be breeding grounds for people to take the information you provide about what you’re looking for and use it to manipulate you. To crumb you into thinking they are what you need. I had one too many lessons like that. And now that I’m not dating out of loneliness, desperation, or boredom, I was finally able to see the game being played.

I even had a few like Mr. Twenty-Fine, y’all remember him lmao. What a time. Anyways, he knew he couldn’t rise to the level of intimacy I was seeking and he let me know that and exited the chat. Yeah, it hurt my feelings, but guess what, I moved on. That’s honestly the best thing I can say looking back. He had the hard conversation with me, and instead of playing games, he said what needed to be said and we ended things with our peace intact. I definitely evolved since then, but not enough to avoid the biggest lesson that came months after.

---

So Let’s Get Into the Tea

I met someone. Things started off really well. He said all the right things, we had great energy, and for a moment it felt like it could actually be something real. Without getting too deep into the details, when we were together things felt good. But I’m a spiritual baddie, y’all know this, and there were things I could feel about where he was emotionally that I chose to overlook because I wanted it to work.

That right there was my first mistake.

Spirituality definitely saved me. But I don’t just post motivational quotes and pray and then still walk through life as an unhealed person, numb, pretending to be okay and mirroring back to people what they want to see. I used to do that. I used to be a hardcore people pleaser who would abandon myself at every turn just to keep whoever I wanted happy, usually my parents, friends, and lovers. But it took hitting rock bottom, with literally nowhere else to go, for me to make a choice about how I wanted to live and how I was going to change.

I will never stop saying how much my daughter saved my life. Because I had her, I could no longer abandon myself, because that would mean abandoning her. She was the first person I ever loved more than I loved myself or anyone else. She is unconditional love. She needed me, and I needed to find myself, even if it was for the first time, because she deserved a mother who was trying. Not perfect, but present, clearheaded, and there.

---

Two Months of the Bare Minimum

This guy played with me and I allowed it for two whole months. I got the most bare minimum out of him. The deeper conversations stopped. The messages got fewer, the response time got longer and longer in between. And as a single mom working two jobs, when I have a free weekend and I’m telling you I want to see you and all I’m getting is excuses and deflections, that should have been the closing factor. But I kept trying to see the best in people, kept giving the benefit of the doubt.

What really kept me in the loop was the breadcrumbing, the mirroring of my goals and dreams, the future faking, and that dopamine hit I would feel when he finally decided to reach out. The inconsistency was doing something to me and I didn’t fully realize it until I was already deep in it. And when the truth finally came out, it confirmed everything I had already felt but talked myself out of trusting.

I say all of this not to air anyone out, but to turn it around and evaluate myself, what this experience did to me, and how it’s affecting me now.

---

Being Self Aware Doesn’t Automatically Break the Pattern

It just means you can see it while it’s happening. So it’s like, I know better, but I still wasn’t doing better. Why am I here? Why am I allowing this? How did I get back here? I started asking myself these questions. But even that wasn’t enough. It took the full truth coming to light for something to finally shift.

Here’s what that cycle actually did to my nervous system:

The inconsistency made me hyper aware of every little thing. The hot and cold energy made me seek clarity and then closure. His emotional unavailability made me overextend myself trying to understand him. The lack of communication had me checking, waiting, and analyzing just trying to figure out what was going on.

Yeah. Me. Miss self aware, love and light, knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to walk away. Still got caught in it. But here’s what I realized: it’s not just about knowing the pattern. It’s about what you do the moment you recognize it. I kept trying to reframe my approach. “Maybe if I communicate more clearly. Maybe if I don’t have expectations. Maybe if I just stay chill, it’ll turn out differently.” But the type of person hadn’t changed, so how could the outcome?

---

How I’m Choosing to Break the Cycle

First and foremost, listen to my intuition. When I know something is wrong, I feel it. And instead of stuffing it down, I’m going to let it flow and move accordingly, not against it.

Along with that, I’m following these for myself going forward:

The first sign of inconsistency, I pull back. Not lean in.

The first feeling of confusion, I observe. Not fix.

The first lack of effort, I disengage.

The key is catching it before I attach, before I over explain, before I talk myself into staying.

This is growth. This is all a part of the process, regardless of how painful the process can be.

Old patterns: unconscious and fully in it.

Current phase: conscious and still participating.

Next phase: conscious and choosing differently.

I’m in the middle of it and it feels messy and like I’m not really progressing. But I am. At my own pace, still learning what I need to. It took me two years with my daughter’s father. This guy, two months. The next one that tries it is getting left on sight, lol.

---

Closing This Chapter

All jokes aside, it really does hurt that this is such a slow and painful process. But I know that everything I go through and experience is for my greater good. I’m blessed to be in a position where I can talk about it, analyze it, and use it. Because if the next one comes along and tries it, the cycle will not repeat itself.

I’m not in a place where I need anything from anyone. So when I choose to show interest and pursue someone, it’s because I genuinely see the light in them, even when they don’t. But it will not be my job to get you to see the light within yourself while you break me down. I have worked way too hard to get to this point in my healing journey to allow anyone to take me off my path. But best believe I will get the lesson and I will move on, even if it takes me a little time.

There also needs to be some accountability for grown adults who haven’t learned to communicate what they want and don’t want from another person. It’s okay to say you’re not the one. But then again, I can’t control that. What I can control is seeing the signs and moving accordingly. People don’t owe us anything, even if that anything is basic human decency. And that’s the part I’m still making peace with.

---

I see the pattern. I survived the lesson. And I’m still choosing myself, even when it’s hard.

✨I trust what I feel the first time. I do not chase clarity where there is confusion. I choose peace over potential, consistency over chemistry, and myself every single time. ✨

This last week has been wild. Not even in the way you’d expect either.

Nothing crazy really happened to me, but at the same time everything shifted. It’s hard to explain unless you’ve felt it before. It’s like something in me just… turned on. A quiet shift, but powerful. The kind that sneaks up on you and suddenly you’re not the same woman you were a few weeks ago.

So let’s get into it.

I don’t know what kind of energy has taken over me lately, but I’m not fighting it anymore. At first I didn’t even know how to handle it. You have to understand, these last six months have been heavy. I’ve been in the trenches with dating, motherhood, work, moving, trying to figure out my next steps and still show up for myself at the same time. Just life, nonstop.

But something shifted after that full moon in February. I didn’t feel it right away. It took maybe two weeks to really hit me, but once it did, it was like everything in me woke up.

And ever since then, I’ve been on ten.

It’s my feminine energy. I know that for sure now. And it’s not just there, it’s in full bloom. When I say I feel like a completely different person, I mean that. If you knew me before, you would have to meet me all over again. This version of me feels more grounded, more aware, but also softer in a way I’ve never allowed myself to be.

There’s a sensuality to me right now that feels natural. Not forced, not performative. Just embodied. I feel myself when I walk into a room. I feel it in the way I take care of myself, in the way I speak, in the way I move. It’s confidence, but it’s also peace. And I think that’s the difference this time.

Even with everything on my plate, working more than I want to, being a full-time mom, balancing responsibilities, I made the decision to pour back into myself. I gave myself a week of intentional mornings. Slowing down, checking in with myself, being present. And that alone shifted something deep in me.

Because for the first time in a long time, I stopped running on survival mode.

I started giving myself compassion instead.

When I really sit and think about my life, I realize how much I carry. Raising my daughter, working two jobs, building something for myself, healing at the same time. None of this is light work. And I never fully gave myself credit for that. I just kept going.

But now I see it. And instead of being hard on myself, I’m learning to meet myself with softness.

That shift alone has been powerful.

And it keeps bringing me back to the same lesson that I swear follows me everywhere. Let go and let God. Not halfway, not when it’s convenient. Fully.

Because every time I try to control things, every time I try to force something to work, I end up drained. But when I step back, when I trust, when I allow things to unfold without gripping onto them so tightly, everything flows differently.

I’m starting to really understand that what’s meant for me will never require me to shrink.

And that’s been a big realization for me this week. I can’t make myself smaller to fit into spaces that don’t naturally hold me. I can’t keep adjusting myself just to be accepted. If it requires that, then it’s not aligned with me.

And that’s okay.

Because the energy I’m in right now is big. It’s expansive. It’s confident. It’s soft but powerful at the same time.

And yes, it’s sexy.

Not just physically, although I can’t lie, I’ve been looking good and I feel it. But it’s deeper than that. It’s the way I carry myself. The way I’m showing up for myself. The consistency I’ve been putting into my body, my routines, my healing. Eating better, moving my body, protecting my energy, being intentional about what I allow around me.

It’s all showing.

This is what happens when you start aligning from the inside out. The glow hits different.

And something else I’ve really been sitting with is the fact that I don’t have to be one version of myself to be valid.

I am layered. I am a mother, a professional, a woman of God, a spiritual being, a sensual woman, all at once. Some days I’m grounded and in my spiritual routine, other days I’m outside feeling myself, dressed up, in my body.

Both are me.

There is no one way to exist in your femininity. The power comes from feeling safe enough to express all sides of who you are without needing to explain it to anyone.

That’s where I am right now. Fully in myself.

And with that has come a deeper awareness in how I connect with people.

I’ve had to remind myself that people will always show you who they are. And it’s on you to accept it, not try to change it. I’ve put myself through unnecessary cycles expecting people to show up differently than they have. Ignoring my intuition, ignoring my body, ignoring the signals.

But not anymore.

I’m learning to listen. To trust what I feel the first time. To accept what’s being shown to me without trying to rewrite it into something I want.

And there’s no judgment in that. Just growth.

Because every lesson, every cycle, every moment I choose differently is shaping me into the woman I’m becoming.

And I know that the love I give is not wasted. It never is. It always finds its way back to me in one form or another. Sometimes people come into your life just to experience your love, even if they’re not meant to stay.

Sometimes they have to lose you to learn.

That’s their lesson, not mine.

All I know is I’m going to keep evolving. Keep getting finer. Keep pouring into myself. Keep loving, keep expressing, keep allowing life to meet me in all the ways it’s meant to.

Because time is going to pass regardless.

And I’d rather be fully in my life than sitting on the sidelines of it.

And if I’m being honest… I feel like I manifested something… unintentionally, but very much on purpose.

But I’m going to let that unfold naturally.

No rushing. No forcing.

Because I know now, more than ever, everything is aligning exactly how it’s supposed to.

Closing Mantra

I don’t compete, I attract.

And lately… everything I’ve been attracting feels like it already knows my name.

The Come Down

I am not even 24 hours back from Miami and I feel… off. I cannot fully describe it, but I feel heavy. A little sad. A little disconnected. Maybe it is post trip depression. Maybe it is the contrast between freedom and responsibility hitting all at once. Because on that trip, it was just me. Waking up when I wanted. Moving how I wanted. Doing what felt right for me without pressure, without obligation, without constantly thinking about what comes next. Just pouring into myself. And I realized how much I missed that.

The Weight of Real Life

Coming back to reality, it hit me all at once. Being a full time solo parent. Working two jobs. Studying. Taking care of myself physically. Handling everything. All the time.

I am used to being in motion. Used to handling responsibility. Used to doing what needs to be done.

But that trip reminded me that I have not been doing enough of what brings me pure joy.

Not survival. Not routine. Not obligation.

Joy.

And I think that is where this feeling is coming from. Not just missing Miami, but missing the version of me that felt free.

You Can’t Run, But You Can Realign

I have said this before. Running away does not solve anything because you bring everything with you. And now I have a child. I have responsibilities. I have commitments that are not going anywhere right now. So no, I cannot just escape.

But I can shift. I can create a life that feels better to live in. I can stop building a life that I constantly need a break from.

Choosing Myself in Real Time

One thing I am proud of is that I did not fall back into my old habits. I landed at 6 am and my first instinct was to go right back to work that same day. Old me would have done it without hesitation. But I chose differently. I gave myself and my baby a day to reset. To rest. To breathe. To prepare before jumping back into life. That mattered. That is growth.

Creating My New Normal

Now I am in a space where I get to be intentional. This is where I build something different. I am starting with my mornings. If that means waking up at 4 am to have time for myself before the day begins, then that is what I will do.

Time to journal. Time to read my Bible. Time to pray and meditate. Time to move my body. Time to get myself together before I pour into anyone else.

Because I know how my days go.

You blink and it is 8 pm. Dinner, bath time, quality time. Then suddenly it is 9, 10, 11 pm and I am laying on the couch completely drained.

So if I do not choose myself early, I will not choose myself at all. And I deserve to be chosen by me.

Redefining Work and Worth

I also had to be honest about something else. I have been overworking myself. Not just working hard, but working to the point of burnout. So now I am shifting. Not working less out of lack, but working with intention. Working in a way that sustains me, not drains me. Being more mindful of my spending. No more mindless shopping. No more spending just to spend. I would rather invest in experiences. In memories. In moments that actually fill me up. I am staying in my lane. I am creating a life that feels fulfilling to me.

A Few Days Later…

Now that some time has passed, I feel lighter. That heaviness is not sitting on me the same way it did when I first got back. And that showed me something important. Feelings pass, but the message stays. And the message was clear. I need to nurture myself. Mind, body, and spirit.

Consistently.

I Refuse to Feel Trapped in My Own Life

The more I try to fit myself into a box, the more trapped I feel. And I am not doing that anymore. I refuse to keep living a life that feels unfulfilled.

So for now, this is what it looks like: A set morning routine

Taking care of my mind and body. Praying and meditating. Getting into Pilates and yoga. Eating more whole foods. Working with intention, not exhaustion. Prioritizing quality time with my baby. Spending time with people who pour into me. Traveling more, even if it is solo

This is how I start.

There Is More to Life Than This

I keep hearing it. There is more to life than this. And I feel it deeply. I have been connecting with more people who feel the same way, and that cannot be a coincidence.

It is a sign.

Not to run away. But to build. To build the life I actually desire.Yes, it will take work. But not the kind of work that drains me. The kind of work that aligns me. Time is going to pass anyway. So I might as well start now.

Walking Into Purpose

If I am being honest, I know what fulfills me. Helping and seeing people grow, heal and step into who they are meant to be. That is where I find purpose. And maybe this season is not about having it all figured out. Maybe it is just about starting. Choosing myself daily. Aligning little by little. Creating a life that feels whole more often than it feels heavy.

Closing Mantra

I am not stuck, I am in transition.

I do not need to escape my life, I am learning to build one that feels good to live in.

I honor my responsibilities, but I no longer abandon myself within them.

I choose joy, I choose alignment, I choose me every single day.

This is only the beginning of the life I am creating on purpose.