Becoming Her Changed Me

To The Moms Holding It All Together

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there first and foremost.

Honestly I’m not really at the stage where I fully enjoy Mother’s Day yet. I ended up picking up a shift I didn’t plan to work and then my daughter got sick Friday night into Saturday. So the one weekend I wanted to slow down and pour back into myself became another reminder that motherhood does not clock out. My baby needed extra love and care and naturally I redirected that energy right back to her.

Such is motherhood right?

But I wanted to make this blog specifically for the moms out there just doing the damn thing every single day. Waking up and taking care of your child. Working full time. Healing yourself while still supporting everyone around you. Constantly pouring out of your cup into everybody else’s.

And I especially want to speak to the single moms because chileeee… we really are a different breed.

This is no shade to the moms with amazing partners and support systems because that support matters. But this one is for the solo moms. The ones carrying the emotional weight, the financial weight, the mental load and still somehow finding the strength to show up every day.

The Parts I Don’t Usually Talk About

I don’t really speak on motherhood, pregnancy, or postpartum much. Mainly because there was a lot of pain attached to such a life changing experience for me. It’s still a touchy subject but I’ve healed enough now where talking about it no longer completely takes me under.

You guys know I keep it transparent around here so I do want to share a little bit about what motherhood has looked like for me outside of the cute moments and daily routines.

When I was living in Washington and found out I was pregnant it was honestly one of the best feelings in the world. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Deep down I knew becoming a mother would unlock a version of myself I had never met before.

I just had no idea how deeply that transformation would change me.

Things got hard pretty quickly. I had just started a new job and didn’t have health insurance yet so I didn’t even get my first ultrasound until I was almost 19 weeks pregnant. I had HG which meant severe morning sickness and I felt terrible most of the time. But I still kept pushing through because I didn’t know what else to do except survive and take care of myself the best way I could.

Toward the end of my pregnancy I kept feeling like something wasn’t right. Every appointment I brought up concerns and kept getting brushed off. I knew my daughter wasn’t head down but I was constantly told everything looked fine and there was still time.

The day of my baby shower my water broke early.

I ended up delivering my daughter at 35 weeks through an emergency c section after staying pregnant a few extra days for steroid shots to help develop her lungs. And the crazy part is I was right the entire time. My daughter was incomplete breech. One leg up and one leg down.

Thankfully she came into this world healthy and strong.

Looking back I still wish I advocated for myself more. I wish I had felt more cared for throughout my pregnancy experience. But at the same time I give grace to the version of me that was simply trying to survive while carrying so much mentally, emotionally, and physically.

The Woman Motherhood Created

Once I had my daughter everything changed.

I had no choice but to become a woman in a completely different way. I became more protective. More selfless. More aware of the kind of life and environment I wanted for us.

At some point I packed up two suitcases, a diaper bag, my breast milk supply and left. I never looked back.

And honestly I never would have found that kind of courage if it wasn’t for her.

Motherhood pulled every version of me to the surface. The warrior. The protector. The healer. The survivor. The soft version of me too.

All of the hardship I experienced before, during, and after pregnancy built me into the woman and mother I am today. Not because I deserved those struggles but because I refused to let them break me.

Breaking Generational Patterns

One thing motherhood has taught me is that children deserve respect too.

I talk to my daughter with love and understanding. I explain things to her instead of shutting her down. I apologize when I’m wrong. I let her express herself safely and openly.

I’m raising her with the kind of emotional awareness I wish more of us grew up with.

I truly believe our children choose us in this lifetime and I take that responsibility seriously. I know I’m already breaking so many generational patterns and I plan to continue doing that through the way I raise her.

Motherhood feels like a second chance at reparenting myself while raising her at the same time.

And let me tell you something… unless you know Soleil in real life you would never guess she’s only three because baby girl acts like she’s thirteen already. There is never a dull moment with her.

A Different Kind Of Love

That unconditional love between a mother and child is truly unmatched.

I never fully understood love until I had her. I never saw life clearly until I had her. I never truly knew myself until I had her.

So when I say my daughter saved my life I mean that with every ounce of my being.

My job as her mother is not to mold her into who I want her to be or hold onto her like a possession. My job is to guide her. Protect her. Support her. Love her deeply while she grows into whoever she is meant to become.

And because of her my prayers have changed too.

I no longer pray for the picture perfect version of success. I pray for peace. Safety. Liberation. Purpose. Protection over me and my daughter. A fulfilled life filled with love and self awareness.

I pray that what I heal now changes the generations after us.

To Every Mother Reading This

Motherhood has pushed me to become the strongest version of myself.

There are tears that nobody sees. Angry cries behind closed doors. Moments where you feel exhausted beyond words. But somehow the laughs, cuddles, tiny moments, random conversations, and unconditional love always outweigh the hard days.

So today I just want to say Happy Mother’s Day to every mother out there.

You are doing the best you can with the tools you have.

Your love matters. Your sacrifices matter. Your presence matters.

And if nobody has told you lately… you are doing an amazing job.

Keep going mama. One day your child will fully understand just how deeply they were loved.

Closing Mantra:

I may not have had the perfect journey into motherhood but I became the woman I was always meant to be through it. Strong enough to protect. Soft enough to love deeply. Wise enough to break the cycle. And powerful enough to create a new beginning for me and my daughter.