Remembering Who I Am

Sometimes you have to go through some wild shit to come to a point where you remember who the fuck you are.

As I’m getting ready to take my first solo trip, I had to realize that there is so much more to life than the daily hustle, the routine, and the bullshit we go through. When you really look at the bigger picture, there is so much more in life to look forward to.

Honestly, I needed this time to myself. I need to really start prioritizing me.

And while my daughter is on a visit with her dad… I’m in Miami.

Learning to Let Go Without Losing Myself

As my daughter gets older, I’ve had to face a fear that used to live in me. Sending her away to her dad used to feel paralyzing at times.

But one thing is for sure, I’m raising a strong minded princess. I know she can handle herself. And more than anything, she has a powerful, spiritual mama who is always praying over her.

Over time, that fear has eased. But if I’m being honest, I was still holding on in other ways. Working, worrying, counting down the days until she came back home.

Now I’m learning something all over again. I am not just a mother. I am a woman. I am a person with needs, desires, and a life of my own.

Just like I reclaimed my body after having my daughter, I’m reclaiming being a sensual and free single woman.

Allowing Myself to Live

So what happens in Miami stays in Miami… except for my best friend, because she’s getting all the tea and has my location on lock.

I don’t really have a plan. I’ve got swimsuits, sexy dresses, a body that’s tea, and an open energy to see where this trip takes me.

Be prepared to be sick of me, because I need this trip. I deserve this trip. I need this time to do nothing but make sure I am enjoying my life.

Of course I’m moving smart, being aware of my surroundings, watching my drinks. But I’m also here to have a time. That’s the vibe.

People Will Always Misunderstand You

It’s really interesting to see people’s emotional capacity and awareness.

There will always be people who judge you based on a version of you that isn’t even real. But at the end of the day, that’s not my business. That’s not my concern.

People will create narratives about who you are because it makes them feel better about themselves or about how they showed up in your life.

And I truly believe, when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them.

You cannot expect someone who met you in chapter 30 to understand what it took to survive chapter 25.

They didn’t see the version of you that had to fight to get out of depression, out of pain, out of cycles and generational trauma. They didn’t see the moments where you were so lost you didn’t even know if you would come back from it.

So when I show up today, secure in who I am, I stand on that. Ten toes down.

I Know My Worth and My Body Is Not All I Offer

I’ve worked my ass off to get to this point in my life. Mind, body, and spirit.

So yes, when I show up confidently in my body, restarting my fitness journey again, I’m going to show it off. Because I can.

I earned this. I worked for this. I fought to feel good in the skin I’m in.

That does not erase the fact that I spent years healing my body from physical and emotional trauma.

And I don’t owe anyone an explanation for how I choose to show up.

I am proud of my body. And that does not mean that’s all I have to offer.

I went years choosing myself. No dating, no distractions, no intimacy. Just me and my relationship with God, learning discipline and healing.

I am a grown woman. I can be sensual without giving access to my body. Who I allow into my space, into my energy, into my experience, is my choice.

Let Them Have Their Version

After deep reflection, I’ve realized something.

I am different. I am layered. I am meant to be.

Not everyone is going to understand me, and not everyone is meant to. The people who are aligned with me will get to know me over time.

Time is one of the most valuable things we have, yet we don’t appreciate it enough. It can be taken from us, or it can be the greatest gift we experience.

And I’ve learned not to give my time or my energy to people who choose to misunderstand me.

It’s getting easier to let go. To detach. To allow people to believe whatever version of me they need to.

Because their reality is not mine.

Choosing Me, Over and Over Again

I will continue to go after the life I desire. Call it delusional if you want.

At the end of the day, I know who I am. I know my heart. I know my intentions are pure.

I am not perfect. I am still growing. I still make mistakes. But I learn, I evolve, and I keep going.

I am a walking testimony. And I know there are people out there who will need to hear my story. Who will see themselves in my journey. Who will find strength in my growth through the uncomfortable, painful, and beautiful moments of life.

This Miami trip is just the beginning. A stepping stone in choosing myself and creating the life I desire, even as that vision continues to evolve.

I can be a baddie, spiritual, a mother, a friend, and a partner. I can embody all parts of who I am.

Fully. Freely. Unapologetically.

And I will never shrink or dim my light for anyone.

Ever.

Closing Affirmation:

I am not for everyone, and that is my power. The right people will recognize my value without me shrinking.

Test After Test

Have you ever noticed that right before your life shifts, everything and everyone suddenly starts testing you? Your patience. Your boundaries. Your growth. Your faith. It feels unfair in the moment, but later you realize it was never meant to break you. It was meant to reveal who you have become.

It feels like it is test after test after test. Everyone and everything is testing my patience, and as much as I want to react, especially with this retrograde, I know better than to do that. I know that the shift happening right now is aligning me for the next chapter and season of my life that I have been preparing for all this time.

My Healing Journey Is a Lifestyle

I do not think people truly understand when I say that my healing journey is not just healing the wounds of my past, but a journey of self discovery, breaking generational cycles, protecting myself, and truly living a life pleasing to the Most High. I live and breathe this. It is a lifestyle, not just posting positivity and love and light.

Anyone can repost a quote or a Bible verse and claim to be about that life when they very much are not. Being spiritually aware of myself means I also have to be aware of you too. I know there are many people still asleep in this life and many people who lack self awareness. I do not put my way of life onto others in any way, shape, or form. You live your life in the manner you see best for yourself.

I always say you can only control one thing in this life, and that is you. You control how you behave. You control what you say. You control how you react. You control you. There will always be reactions, better known as consequences, to your actions whether they are “good” or “bad.”

As I have mentioned before, the God that I serve does not play when it comes to me. So I do my absolute best to control me. I control how I respond to things even when things are done to me. I control my anger. I control my pain. I control my thoughts because where my mind goes, energy flows, and I want nothing but peace and softness in my life.

Guarding My Mind and Energy

I do my best not to intentionally harm or do wrong to another because I know that the consequence of my actions can hit me over the head literally moments later. So I try to stay clear of intentionally doing wrong to others. The unintentional happens, that is a part of life and being human.

My spiritual gifts are in tune, and I do not even like negative thoughts about another person lingering in my mind. I cast those away like I am rebuking a demon. Those types of thoughts are not mine, and I do not claim them. So why would I allow them to live and take up space in my mind, body, and spirit if that is not who I am?

I know who I am, and I have to pick and choose the thoughts, ideas, and concepts that enter my mind like I am picking out my clothes for the day. People do not realize that they have the power to rewire their brains and thoughts at any given moment. But we are creatures of habit, and once we have thought a certain way for twenty or thirty years, choosing to rebuild those neural pathways and redirect our thoughts takes conscious effort and time.

It is easy to do the wrong things and just say, “That is how I am. That is how I think. That is how I act. I cannot and will not change.” It is because you do not really want to. Changing means actually doing the hard things and the shadow work it takes to be a better person for yourself and the people around you. That takes accountability, and many people lack that right there, accountability for their actions and how they treat other people.

You Cannot Force People to Heal

As much as I want to go off and tell people about themselves and how they have wronged me or treated me in ways I did not appreciate, I have to realize that not everyone is actively choosing to heal. So many times we try to change people when we cannot even change ourselves. That is one of the biggest mistakes we can make, and it only sets us up for disappointment.

We cannot change anyone. They have to want to change for themselves and by themselves. You cannot force someone to see your perspective or your pain. Someone who acts selfishly and without regard for you in the first place is not going to understand, no matter how much you try to explain it.

Sometimes it is important to love people where they are, knowing that you do not need an apology to heal or move on. You do not need anything from that person to recognize that this is who they are, and it is not your job to fix them or make them see your pain.

Feeling Hurt and Unseen

When I wrote most of this blog, I was feeling raw emotions. I was hurt. I was angry. I was upset. I felt unheard. I felt like what I was experiencing was being overlooked or not understood at all. I had myself in a mood, in a funk, with walls up and a closed off mindset that made navigating through the day so much harder.

It is really hard being such an empathetic person but receiving no empathy back. That hurts. I go out of my way to try to understand the people around me, but when it comes to someone being selfless enough to try to understand me, I do not always get that in return. But such is life.

You cannot expect people to have the same energy, awareness, compassion, or even care about others the way you do. No one owes us anything.

Choosing Peace Over Victimhood

It took a few days to process what was happening to me, step out of the victim mindset, set my anger aside, and choose peace in my life. I know who I am. I know that the God I serve will always avenge me. Nothing meant for me will miss me. The money will come back to me, and it will come back doubled.

The complaining, manipulation, and selfishness that consumes some people is not for me to fix or change. Their karma and judgment have nothing to do with me. I can only control myself, how I react, and how I carry myself in difficult situations.

I might cry. I might be upset. I might shut down. But I will always rise above and choose peace within myself.

Lessons Disguised as Tests

I do not understand why I keep getting lesson after lesson, but I recently saw a video of Erykah Badu talking about how you pray for greatness or patience, and then you receive lessons to test whether you are ready for it. That is exactly what this week felt like. A test to see if I have truly changed. A test to see if I can rise above the chaos and remain steadfast on my path regardless of what is going on around me.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. My level of awareness is not the same as everyone around me. Not everyone is meant to walk this journey with me, and they are definitely not taking me off my path of greatness.

Turning Pain Into Power

Sometimes we do not deserve the things that happen to us, but it is how we take those experiences and use them as tools to level up. Nothing placed in our path is meant to break us. It is meant to teach us and elevate us to the next level.

I promise you there will be a future blog about how this exact lesson prepared me for what is to come.

Closing Mantra

I used to think constant challenges meant I was doing something wrong. Now I understand they come because I am doing something right. When you pray for growth, peace, patience, and purpose, life will hand you situations that demand exactly those things from you.

Feeling Lost While Doing Everything Right

I have been feeling all types of emotions this past week and honestly I do not even know what is going on with me. I cannot be the only one who feels this emotionally drained. Is it still retrograde? Is this blood moon throwing everyone else for a loop too, or is it just me?

Recently I reconnected with an old friend and he really brought back flashbacks of 2019 Shenelle. The version of me before I left for Washington. The girl running around Boston with no real sense of direction, just searching for validation, attention, and someone to truly see me.

Before I left, he told me something that did not stick with me until now. He said that I could not outrun my problems and that they would follow me wherever I went. Of course I responded the way someone who lacked self awareness would. I told him I was not running away from anything and that I was simply leaving for a better opportunity.

While that was technically true, I can admit now that I really was running away.

I was running away from my family. Running away from routines and structure that I had grown bored of. But most importantly, I was running away from myself.

At that time I lived alone and I was not a mother yet. All I had was myself and honestly I hated it. I hated being alone. I felt lost, asleep, and completely unaware of who I was or what I truly wanted out of life.

Doing Everything Right But Still Feeling Empty

Looking back, I was technically doing everything right on paper.

I went straight into ultrasound school after high school. I graduated with my bachelor’s degree and started working in healthcare at twenty one years old. I had no kids. I had my own apartment, my own car, paid all of my own bills, and still helped provide for my family when they needed it.

I had a social life. I went out, partied, and enjoyed my twenties.

But I still was not happy.

I still did not know what my purpose was.

So I packed up and left, thinking that a new place would magically fix everything.

It did not.

Shocker, right?

The Hustle That Never Ends

Now here I am years later and sometimes it feels like I have fallen back into that same cycle.

I worked so hard to move out of my parents’ house. I have my own place, a new car, and I am working more than sixty hours every other week. I am pushing my body through stress and exhaustion just to keep everything afloat.

And sometimes I have to ask myself, for what?

Yes, I want to provide a stable and comfortable life for myself and my daughter. That matters deeply to me. But at what point does this hustle culture end?

At what point does the constant cycle of work, bills, responsibilities, and exhaustion finally slow down?

I find myself asking that question more and more.

I moved down to the Cape for an opportunity at the hospital where I work so that I could learn another registry and advance in my field. I am approaching almost ten years in healthcare and yet I still feel this quiet voice inside of me asking if this is really where I am meant to be.

Because if I am being honest, I do not feel fulfilled.

The Career I Chose Versus The Calling I Feel

If you have kept up with my blog, one of my earlier posts talked about why I chose healthcare in the first place.

Growing up, like many Caribbean immigrant parents, mine told me that careers like teaching, psychology, or therapy would never make me enough money. They told me I would end up stuck living at home if I chose those paths. So they encouraged me to go into the medical field.

Healthcare had job security. It helped people. It paid well.

I knew I wanted to help people. I just did not know in what capacity. So after having an ultrasound done on my heart in high school, I decided to pursue ultrasound.

And the rest is history.

I am grateful for my career. The growth, the stability, the life it has allowed me to build, and the patients I get to care for every day are things I will never take for granted.

But somewhere along the way, that choice also left a quiet empty space inside of me.

A space that wonders about my true calling and my deeper passions.

The Fear of Walking in Purpose

When I ignore that feeling, I go through cycles.

I work harder. I stay busy. I numb the discomfort.

Eventually the breakdown comes and I have to face the truth again.

Sometimes I step into the things that feel aligned with my purpose. When I do, I feel the energy and the joy that comes with it.

But then the doubt creeps in.

I start questioning whether I can really build a life around what I feel called to do, especially in a world filled with social media, content creators, and everyone trying to sell a lifestyle.

I am very big on practicing what I preach. So if I do not feel like I am fully living in my purpose, how can I expect anyone to listen to what I have to say and allow it to impact their lives?

Here is the truth.

I actually think I already know what my purpose is.

And maybe the real issue is imposter syndrome, self sabotage, and plain old fear of the unknown.

Maybe part of me believes I am too deep into the rat race to pivot now.

Craving Time, Stillness, and Intention

I know there are people who work their nine to five jobs while slowly building their businesses and dreams on the side. This blog itself is part of that bigger vision.

But what I truly crave in life is time.

I find joy in slow and intentional mornings. Waking up early to pray, meditate, journal, read my Bible, and work out before my daughter wakes up. Having breakfast together and starting our day peacefully.

That rhythm feels good to my soul.

What does not feel good is the constant rushing.

Waking up late. Rushing to get dressed. Rushing my daughter to school. Working all day. Rushing to pick her up. Bedtime routines. Then rushing to go to sleep so we can do it all over again the next day.

It feels overwhelming.

I crave stillness. I crave slow, intentional time.

Time to cook nourishing meals. Time to make fresh juices when I want to. Time to sit in the sun. Time to walk barefoot in the grass. Time to pray and simply be grateful for life.

More than anything, I want my time back.

Realigning With My Purpose

Lately I have been asking myself if I am truly just getting by.

Because if I am being honest, sometimes it feels like I am slowly drifting away from the path I know I am meant to walk.

And I need to realign.

Running away is not the solution anymore. I cannot just leave whenever life becomes uncomfortable. I have responsibilities now and a daughter who depends on me.

What I can do is find balance.

Balance between working, parenting, and still living in my purpose as the bigger picture of my life.

Because I truly believe we are here for more than simply working ourselves to exhaustion.

I believe every person has a purpose.

I know that the dreams God placed inside of me were not placed there by accident.

My gifts, my voice, my experiences, and my healing journey are meant to help others evolve too.

Healing was never meant to be a solo journey. We are meant to do it in community. We are meant to help each other see the authentic versions of ourselves and love each other through the process.

We are all works in progress.

But if more of us chose to walk in our purpose, imagine how much more awareness and healing could exist in this world.

Craving Community, Not Just Love

I have been so distracted for months now. Not just during this recent cycle, but during a longer emotional cycle where I found myself craving love and anxiously attaching to people, places, and things.

Somewhere along the way I think I lost sight of my why.

I became so focused on searching for love and trying to define what that love was supposed to look like, all while living a very unbalanced life. Looking back, it makes sense why so many of those experiences turned into lessons.

When I really sit with it, I do not think love itself is what I was truly searching for.

I think what I have really been craving is community.

Of course that kind of support can come from a significant other, but I do not think that is the only thing my heart longs for. I hate feeling like I am doing this life and navigating these cycles alone.

I crave companionship. Friendships. Pure and genuine connections with people.

I want community. The kind of community where people take the time to heal, learn, and grow together through all the seasons of life. A space where we uplift one another and truly support each other.

Support that checks in and asks how my day went. Support that asks if I need help with anything. Support that reminds me to rest when I have been pushing myself too hard.

A community that helps balance me out.

I never imagined being this far into my life and feeling like I do not have that kind of support system around me. That has been one of the hardest parts to sit with.

Yes, I have my family and I can call on them when I need to. But even that support has its limits.

I am realizing that part of my journey now is learning how to build and create my own community. Finding like minded individuals who crave the same kind of connection, support, and growth.

Because none of us are meant to walk through life completely alone.

Waking Up

It is so easy to get lost in the cycles society creates for us.

The routines. The expectations. The constant chase.

But I do not want to be lost anymore.

I do not want to be asleep anymore.

I want to be fully awake and walking in my purpose.

Even if it takes time to slowly step away from the cycles and build the life that is truly meant for me.

Because I know deep down that the path waiting for me is one that I will build for myself.

Asé.

When I say this new year has really thrown me for a loop, it sure has. So many different layers of my life are moving and shifting and really forcing me to pivot or get run over. And best believe, even if I have to cry, and y’all know I’m a crier, the entire time, I’m going to do it.

Since my last blog post, there has been a shift. I had to let go of the pain and suffering I was causing myself through the transitionary period of the lesson I was being taught. The shift feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest and my heart once I finally allowed myself to let go and let God.

I naturally have a big heart. I see the best in people even if they do not see it in themselves. It is a blessing and a curse to see the potential in people and to understand that we are all a work in progress. No one is ever fully healed. No one is perfect. No one’s walk with Christ is perfect and no one is fully saved. We all make mistakes, act selfishly, and carry traumas that have wounded us so deeply we are still trying to navigate our way through the darkness.

But for me, my character along with my spiritual gifts allow me to see and feel much deeper. That is what they call an empath. An empath is someone who is highly sensitive to the emotions and energy of others. They do not just understand how someone feels, they feel it as if it is their own. That has been both a gift and something I had to learn how to manage.

I feel more deeply. I am not sure I have always been this way, but I know once I started my healing journey, my walk with Christ, and growing spiritually, certain things changed about me. I used to crave relationships but never really knew what it meant to truly get to know someone and accept them for who they are as they are, while being aware that they will change over time just as I would.

I thought I knew what love was based off the love I saw from my parents and other family members, along with what society portrayed as that perfect love. I was lost and confused and did not truly know what love meant, yet I was chasing it. It was not until my life hit rock bottom and I had to choose to love myself first that the dynamic had to shift.

It was not until I started to heal myself, heal my wounds around love and what that looked like to me versus what it actually means. It was not until I had to nurture the little girl in me who thought she was never enough, who believed she had to prove her worth and that being loved and chosen depended on how much she could do and give to the other person.

That led me to holding on harder, staying longer, fighting harder, and overextending myself over and over again until I broke. In the end, it was me who was broken. Trying to love and hold on to what was not meant for me to hold on to.

I am not saying there are not situations where things get hard and you have to put in more effort to come out on the other side. But when it is just you, when it is unilateral and one sided and you are giving more than you are receiving, that is not healthy love. That is anxious attachment.

Anxious attachment is a pattern where someone fears abandonment so deeply that they overextend themselves to keep the relationship. They overplay their part, overgive, overcompensate, and ignore their own needs just to try to keep the other person around. It is rooted in the fear of losing them, or sometimes the deeper fear of being alone.

The Shenelle I am today still has those wounds that want to help, heal, fix, and support the people I care about. Because when I needed support, I had to handle it all on my own. I know what it is like to heal alone and have to pick yourself up and keep going because what else are you supposed to do.

You have to keep going. Keep evolving. Keep shifting as you go through different experiences in life.

I went years in a period of isolation. Being alone. Doing the inner work. Praying, fasting, journaling, going to therapy. Working so hard to climb my way out of the darkness that tried to consume me.

I knew that I had to want my comeback to be bigger and stronger than anything else I had ever done because I never want to be back in that place of desperation. Walking unconsciously. Making poor decisions. Hurting people because I was hurting.

I wanted to heal and change my life because I wanted to. Because I know my life is not destined to be stuck in a cycle of repeating patterns. I wanted to learn the lessons that the Creator has in store for me so I can elevate and transition into a higher, more self aware version of myself.

Learning to love yourself is a mirror reflection of the love you will allow into your life. It is a lifestyle choice. It is easy to pretend and stay negative and stuck in our ways because of what has been done to us or what we may have done in the past. But making the choice to learn and actively choose differently once we have gained the knowledge that we are worthy and capable of so much more than staying complacent to our circumstances, that is growth.

If we know what we want and we have the tools and the support from the people who truly see us for who we are, with no lies, no manipulation, no ego, those are the ones we keep close to us. The ones willing to go the distance with you while you heal the wounds that told you that you cannot have it all.

Choose the ones that choose you too. Choose the ones that see you deeply, flaws and all. Choose the ones who know you are a work in progress but love you anyway.

Deeper connection is something that I seek now. I do not do well with surface level conversations, surface level people, or surface level ways of thinking. I want depth. I want to know your favorite foods. The movies that make you cry or question your way of thinking. What you consider the perfect love to be. What are your pet peeves. What are your dreams and aspirations. What mistakes have you made in your life and if you could change them, would you.

Tell me about your inner child wounds and how you plan to heal them. How do you plan to grow and evolve into the best version of yourself. I want to know it all. The good, the bad, the ugly, the work in progress. Because we are all difficult to be with, but with the right person we find purpose and patience and something worth trying for.

I hope we all find that kind of love. That patient, tender, caring kind of love. No matter how much pain and suffering we have gone through in life, we are worthy of being loved and receiving love.

If you know what you want, especially when it comes to love, go after it. We only have one life. And if someone truly sees you deeply, do not be scared and run. Be brave and go after it.

You do not know how long they will be there waiting for you.

Closing Mantra

I survived what tried to break me. I healed what tried to harden me. I am worthy of a love that sees me deeply and chooses me fully. I release the fear of abandonment and embrace the courage to be loved. I do not run from what is meant for me. I receive love with an open heart.

Asé

I want to have an honest moment right now. I have never read the Bible from beginning to end. I know I call myself a spiritual baddie, but I did not grow up with deep religious knowledge or personal study of scripture.

Let me give some context.

Growing up in Jamaica, like many Caribbean households, church was simply what you did. Every Sabbath, like clockwork, you were in church praising God. I was too young to remember most of those days myself, but I was always told I somehow found my way to the church people with the snacks. That part sounds about right.

When my family immigrated to the United States, that consistency faded. My grandmother remained the only one who stayed devoted to attending church regularly. My sister and I went for a while, but once we got older, we both decided it did not feel aligned for us anymore.

I always carried a quiet discomfort in church spaces. I struggled with the contradiction of people who preached holiness out loud but lived differently in private. I know not everyone is like that, but it affected how seriously I could receive guidance. As I have grown in my healing and spiritual journey, I realized something important. I no longer take deep spiritual advice from people whose lives do not reflect the fruit of what they teach. Not from judgment, but from discernment.

For years I looked outward for wisdom. I put people on pedestals. I thought insight only came from titles, positions, or loud voices. Eventually I learned that alignment matters more than appearance.

I went to church until about age fifteen mostly out of duty, not devotion. I did not feel closer to Christ. I felt condemned more than connected. I felt restricted and quietly ashamed. So I did what I used to do best. I shut down. I showed up physically but not spiritually. I was not absorbing sermons. I was not reading scripture. I could not quote verses. I was present but not engaged.

So yes, I can say honestly that I never truly read the Bible in my early life.

Ironically, it was spiritual warfare that pushed me to finally open it later. Pain became my invitation. Crisis became my doorway. Many people come to God through comfort. Some of us come through fire.

Over the last year I have read more spiritual material and scripture than I did in the previous twenty years combined. Not because of pressure, but because of hunger.

I share this because everyone’s walk with God looks different. Some call Him God. Some say the Most High. Some say Source or the Universe. Even now there are moments I feel insecure that I cannot quote scripture easily. I had to catch myself shaming myself. God was not shaming me. I was.

Knowing verses is not the same as living truth.

As scripture reminds us, “People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

There are people who know scripture front to back and still do not live with love, integrity, or humility. I am not claiming righteousness or perfection. I am saying that even without deep biblical scholarship, I still choose to live consciously and morally. I believe in consequence. I believe that what we sow we reap. I believe mercy is real and so is accountability.

As one spiritual teacher phrase puts it, “It is not about perfection. It is about direction.”

My direction is toward God.

Prayer is my anchor. I pray about everything. Before decisions. Before travel. Before meals. Over my daughter. Over my workplace. Over strangers. Over my own thoughts. I speak to God all day long in small, ordinary moments. I do not treat prayer like an emergency hotline. I treat it like an ongoing conversation.

Brother Lawrence, a Christian mystic, called this “practicing the presence of God” in everyday tasks. That is exactly what it feels like.

I talk to God like a friend because relationship is what I was seeking, not performance. I was not taught how to build that relationship in a way that felt alive to me, so I learned how to speak to Him directly. Honestly. Imperfectly. Frequently.

God is not distant to me. God is not just a figure in the sky. God is presence, breath, conscience, creation, order, and love moving through all things. Scripture says the kingdom of God is within you. Many spiritual teachers echo this truth. The divine is not only above us but also within us.

My devotion looks like this. Loving myself. Caring for my body as a temple. Living honestly. Admitting when I am wrong. Repenting when I fall short. Recalibrating when I drift.

Healing and holiness both require humility. As Thomas Merton wrote, “The spiritual life is not about becoming someone different. It is about becoming who you truly are.”

Let us also talk about sin in a way that is often misunderstood. The original meaning of sin is to miss the mark. It is not identity. It is direction. It is misalignment, not permanent condemnation. It is a signal, not a life sentence.

Shame says you are broken. Spirit says you are being called back into alignment.

Many modern spiritual writers and even theologians agree on this. Sin is separation from love and truth. Redemption is returning to it.

This blog is not about tearing down religion. It is about finding my way back to God through authenticity. Through openness of mind, body, and spirit. Through lived experience, not just inherited tradition.

Faith is often called delusion by those who do not feel it. But faith is simply trust in what you cannot yet see. Even Jesus said faith the size of a mustard seed is enough.

When I pray for removal of what is not aligned with my life, the answers come quickly. Sometimes uncomfortably fast. Relationships shift. Masks fall. Doors close. That is not punishment. That is protection.

I choose to live in love and light not because I am naive but because I am intentional. My intentions are not always perfectly executed, but they are sincere. Every day I choose again. Some days that choice is easy. Some days all I can say is, God, I am tired. Thank you anyway.

Gratitude is still prayer.

I cannot force my faith onto anyone else. I can only live it. Practice it. Refine it. I make uncomfortable changes because I never want to return to who I was when I was disconnected from myself and from God.

My path is simple. Evolve. Grow. Learn. Teach. Repeat.

Closing Mantra:

I do not walk perfectly but I walk prayerfully. I return to God daily, honestly, and willingly. Alignment over appearance. Relationship over religion. Growth over guilt.

There is a version of me who survived something she never fully had the words to explain.

She turned pain into lessons, fear into awareness, and heartbreak into healing. This is for her.

Do y’all remember when I came back home from Washington and started a little series called Surviving a Narcissist?

At the time, I felt like I had been silent for far too long. I carried experiences I did not yet have the language to process, so I turned to storytelling. Those videos became a release. I spoke about patterns, warning signs, emotional dynamics, and behaviors because I needed to make sense of a season that once left me voiceless.

Looking back, I realize part of my intention was to help others recognize what I could not see in real time. I wanted to protect people from confusion, emotional harm, and self-doubt. I wanted my pain to serve a purpose beyond myself.

But like many things in my life, I started that series and did not finish it. Not because I lacked care, but because fear shaped my silence. I worried about how my words could be interpreted, misunderstood, or used in ways I could not control. That fear carried more weight than I admitted at the time.

Still, every time I posted, there was an outpouring of support. Survivors felt seen. People shared their stories. That connection reminded me that storytelling can be both medicine and mirror.

At the same time, I questioned myself. Was I sharing to help others, or was I still trying to convince myself that my experience was real? I had not fully processed why it happened or how it reshaped me. I needed time to make sense of it all, and eventually I stepped back because continuing no longer felt aligned with my healing.

Fast forward two years. Two long years of growth, therapy, reflection, and acceptance. I came to understand a difficult truth: some people do not change, no matter how much accountability, honesty, or effort is offered.

At some point, I had to choose what I wanted to carry forward. Pain, resentment, regret, or healing. I had to grieve the life I imagined, the family I once envisioned, and the future I thought I was building. That grief was raw, messy, and humbling, but necessary.

I also had to take responsibility for my part in the experience, not from a place of shame, but from a place of empowerment. I asked myself hard questions. I leaned on God. I committed to therapy. I chose, again and again, to heal intentionally.

Most of all, I chose love. The love I have for my daughter became greater than any anger I carried. A quiet mantra guided me:

“I love my daughter more than I hold onto pain.”

This is not the life I once imagined, but it is the life I am committed to living with integrity, peace, and growth. I refuse to let past hurt define my identity. I refuse to lose myself to bitterness. I refuse to become someone I do not recognize.

I honor the version of myself who chose safety, who chose growth, who chose motherhood with courage, and who rebuilt from nothing. I do not regret choosing peace. I do not regret choosing my child. I do not regret choosing a healthier environment, even when it meant starting over.

What I choose now is evolution. Healing. Emotional maturity. Boundaries. Self-respect. And love that does not require self-betrayal.

Because this is the kind of love I believe in:

Quote attributed to Sade Andria Zabala (often miscredited to Edgar Allan Poe)

“Tell me every terrible thing you ever did, and let me love you anyway. Not blind love, but forgiving love. Not perfect love, but patient love. Love that can hold your darkness without trying to fix it. Tell me your sins, your regrets, the nights you wished you could start over, and I will trace them like constellations that led you here. I do not want the polished version of you. I want the truth, the messy, fragile, real you. That is where love lives.”

Motherhood taught me what unconditional love truly feels like. And while romantic love is still a journey of learning, I know this much: I want a love that allows honesty, accountability, vulnerability, and acceptance. A love that does not require me to abandon myself.

Closing — Diary of a Self-Lover

This chapter of my life is no longer about proving what happened. It is about proving to myself that I can heal, grow, and choose peace without losing my softness. This is what self-love looks like in real time.

For the first time in my life, I feel nothing. And honestly — that might be one of the best things for me right now.

When I first said “nothing,” I pictured what Elena did in The Vampire Diaries — like I’d turned my emotions off entirely. But that’s not it at all. What I’ve discovered is that this “nothingness” isn’t a lack of emotion… it’s presence without fear or desperation.

Why “Nothing” Isn’t Nothing

2025 was a year of rebuilding — of rediscovering me. I prioritized myself like never before. I learned my boundaries, my limits, what drains me, what energizes me, and most importantly — why I choose the things I choose.

In the past, I spent so much of my life people-pleasing that I didn’t even know what I liked. When someone asked “What do you want?” my brain went blank… not because I had nothing inside me, but because I was so used to mirroring someone else’s wants.

Putting myself out there romantically — even just through apps — was a step forward. Even though I never met these men in real life, the whole experience taught me a lot about myself:

What I was willing to tolerate What genuinely excited me What felt like peace vs. what merely stimulated my nerves

I wasn’t looking for surface-level chatter anymore; I was looking for depth. And ironically, most of those experiences showed me that depth wasn’t where I was looking.

The Peace That Comes After Chaos

Since stepping away from the apps — but not from love — real peace showed up.

No racing thoughts. No juggling multiple conversations. No wondering who said what and why they didn’t reply. No anticipation, ignoring, over-analyzing, guessing.

Just… stillness.

And that stillness confused me at first. Because we’re taught that connection comes with butterflies, or sweaty palms, or anxiety — you know, the emotional fireworks. But what if peace is a deeper kind of connection? What if regulated calm isn’t a lack of feeling, but a healthier feeling?

What Psychology Says About Nervous System Regulation 

Psychologists describe something called the “window of tolerance” — the range in which your nervous system operates without being overwhelmed or shut down. When we’re in survival mode (trauma, stress, unresolved patterns), we’re either overactivated — anxious, reactive, overwhelmed — or underactivated — numb, disconnected.

Feeling regulated means your nervous system isn’t in constant alarm mode. It’s safe. It’s grounded. It’s settled. This isn’t emptiness — it’s stability.

Some modern thinkers — including voices in wellness and psychology — talk about how relationships that consistently calm your nervous system are the ones worth keeping. It’s not about the intensity of butterflies — it’s about how safe your body feels in that person’s presence.

This echoes a point from the On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast, where the host talks about relationships that calm your nervous system — versus those that only stimulate it. He suggests that when a connection truly meets you and steadies you, that’s real compatibility, and not just chemistry. 

“If they calm your nervous system, that’s care. If they make your heart race but never let your mind rest, that’s adrenaline, not alignment.” — On Purpose with Jay Shetty (paraphrased) 

This Nothingness Is Actually Peace — Real, Deep Peace

This nothingness I feel now… isn’t emptiness. It’s relief. It’s my mind finally at rest. It’s my body no longer in survival mode.

It’s a regulated nervous system — something I didn’t even realize I was craving.

I’m finally free from:

Racing thoughts

Gut knots

Overthinking texts

Pleasing for love

Craving validation

And it feels so steady.

Now Here’s the Real Question:

Do you ever meet someone and don’t feel frantic, jittery, obsessive, or over-stimulated… but instead feel seen and safe?

Not nervous. Not tense. Not trying to “perform.” Just… grounded.

That’s the kind of connection I wasn’t even aware I was missing — and maybe you didn’t know you were either.

It’s not fireworks — it’s warmth.

It’s not panic — it’s steadiness.

It’s not chasing — it’s presence.

A Reframing: Nothing → Something Real.

Maybe “nothingness” needs a new name. What I’m experiencing isn’t hollow — it’s emotional steadiness. Inner peace. A nervous system finally at rest. A body that feels safe.

And for the first time… I feel secure in the stillness of my soul.

I am safe here. And that feels like everything.