Healing the Girl Who Needed Answers

The Return of My Inner Teenager

WOW. This week has been… eh. I love it and hate it all in the same breath. Before I get into the tea, let me start with the good.

I honestly don’t know what came over me this week, but the nostalgia has been strong. Like, healing my inner teenager strong. And yeah, this is new for me.

The last few years have been all about healing my inner child. The people pleaser. The perfectionist. The version of me that desperately wanted to be seen, heard, chosen, and loved. The version of me that abandoned herself in exchange for validation and approval, especially from my family. Those wounds became the foundation for so many of the choices I made throughout my life. Choices rooted in fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, and the belief that I had to earn love.

I’ve done a lot of work to acknowledge those parts of myself. I’ve learned to accept them without shame and make the conscious choice that I no longer want to live from those wounds.

Like I talked about in my previous blog, life has actually been pretty damn good lately. Nothing dramatic has happened. Instead, a different layer of healing has made itself known.

The teenage version of me has arrived.

I had no idea how loud, bold, dramatic, and unapologetic she was until she started knocking on the door of my subconscious. It feels like the floodgates opened. Suddenly I’m listening to music I loved in high school. I’m posting about Paramore every five minutes. I’m deep in my Twilight obsession again. Well, let’s be honest, did I ever really stop?

A month ago I talked about stepping into a softer version of my femininity. At the time, I thought femininity meant softness, pink, romance, and all things girly. Lately I’ve realized there is so much more to me than that. There’s an edge to me. A darkness. A fascination with things that are mysterious and unconventional.

Now it’s fully here.

I’m back watching horror movies. I’m rediscovering the things I loved before I started filtering myself for other people. The things that made me feel different. The things that made me feel like me.

“Healing isn’t becoming someone new. Sometimes it’s remembering who you were before the world told you to edit yourself.”

Learning to Hold Every Version of Myself

I think by the time I got to high school there were always two versions of myself. The soft romantic girl and the slightly emo, edgy girl who loved spooky things and lived for a good vampire story.

For the longest time I felt like I had to pick one.

Now I realize I don’t.

I can be both.

I can wear pink and still love horror movies. I can be soft and nurturing while also being bold and outspoken. I can embrace every version of myself without worrying about how it comes across to anyone else.

That’s what healing has given me.

The freedom to take up space exactly as I am.

The freedom to stop abandoning pieces of myself just to fit into certain rooms.

Lately, I’ve been realizing that I don’t fit neatly into one box, and honestly, I don’t want to. I’m an earthy, spiritual, hippie soul who talks to the moon, believes in signs from the universe, and finds comfort in nature. At the same time, there’s still a slight emo girl living inside me who romanticizes rainy days, nostalgic playlists, and feeling things deeply. Then, of course, there’s the sparkle girlie in me who loves getting her nails done, wearing something cute, and embracing her soft, feminine energy. Somehow all of those versions coexist. The earthy spiritual hippie, the emotional depth of the emo girl, and the glitter-loving feminine woman all make up who I am. None of them cancel each other out—they create the beautifully layered person I’ve become.

The Friendships That Still Feel Like Home

The other thing that’s been filling my cup lately has been reconnecting with old friendships.

This week I got to spend time with some friends from high school and it was amazing. When you spend your teenage years riding a bus for over an hour every day, you’re bound to collect stories, drama, laughter, and friendships that stay with you forever.

Even though we don’t see each other often, it always feels like no time has passed.

I love relationships like that.

Life happens. Some of us have kids. Some of us don’t. Some of us travel. Some of us are completely different people than we were ten years ago. Some of us are surprisingly the same.

All of it is valid.

What I appreciate most is being able to come together and share the difficult parts of life along with the beautiful ones. To witness each other healing, growing, and evolving in our own ways.

Funny enough, I’ve been saying for months that I needed to get out more and reconnect with people. Then out of nowhere, one of my best guy friends from high school came back into my life.

Life has a funny way of answering prayers.

It’s reminded me that if I’m asking for deeper friendships and stronger community, I have to be willing to nurture those relationships too. I have to be the kind of friend I’m hoping to receive.

The Tea: Learning to Want Without Chasing

Now for the tea.

And don’t do too much because yes, I know what I said back in February.

I’ve been holding strong.

No dating apps. No entertaining nonsense. No setups. No distractions. Let’s just say I’ve been sober from men for a few months now.

But there is this guy.

And no, I’m not going into too much detail because this blog isn’t really about him.

What I will say is that he is absolutely my type. Like, embarrassingly my type. The kind of fine that makes you question whether you’re being spiritually tested.

But what surprised me wasn’t the physical attraction.

It was the curiosity.

The more I’ve interacted with him, the more I’ve found myself interested in who he is beneath the surface. Interested in his layers. Interested in understanding what experiences shaped the version of him that exists today.

For the first time in a long time, I feel open to welcoming a romantic connection into my life.

Not because I need someone. Not because I think someone will complete me.

But because I’ve reached a point where my life feels stable, peaceful, and full enough to share it.

The reality is I don’t know what this connection is meant to be. Maybe there’s something there. Maybe there isn’t. Maybe our timing isn’t aligned. Maybe he’s simply not in a place to meet me where I am.

And honestly, that’s okay.

I’ve spent enough of my life trying to force outcomes. Trying to predict endings before stories had the chance to unfold.

I don’t want to do that anymore.

“I can hold desire in one hand and peace in the other.”

The Beauty of Not Knowing Yet

What I know is that I respect someone’s healing journey just as much as I respect my own. I know what it feels like to need time, space, and room to figure things out.

I can recognize what I feel without needing to control where it goes.

There was a time when uncertainty would have consumed me. I would have searched for answers, overanalyzed every interaction, and convinced myself that not knowing was some kind of emergency.

Now I’m learning how to sit with possibility.

Do I want more? Absolutely.

Do I know what will happen? Not at all.

But for the first time, not knowing doesn’t scare me.

Because my life is already full.

My friendships are growing. My fitness journey is taking off. I’m seeing changes in myself physically and emotionally. I’m creating. I’m healing. I’m building community.

And in a few short weeks I’ll have an entire month to do whatever my heart desires. More adventures. More side quests. More opportunities to pour into myself.

Maybe that’s what this season is really about.

Not finding all the answers.

Not forcing a relationship.

Not chasing certainty.

Maybe it’s simply about trusting myself enough to enjoy where I am while allowing the future to reveal itself when it’s ready.

Closing Mantra

I release the need to rush what is still unfolding. I can desire more without abandoning myself in the process. What is meant for me will arrive in its own time, and until then I will continue building a life that feels beautiful, meaningful, and full. My heart is safe in the unknown.

“For the first time in my life, I want something deeply without trying to control it.”

June 14, 2026 0

The Courage to Be Seen

There is something really interesting about looking back and realizing that we create the life we desire one small choice at a time.

Sometimes I have to sit back and think, damn, I really came far from where I was a year ago. Two years ago. Even five years ago.

I think that is the ugly truth about hitting rock bottom. It feels devastating while you are living through it. It feels unfair and exhausting. Yet somehow, when enough time passes, you can finally see the growth that came from it. You can see the blessings that slowly replaced what was once missing. The beauty is not that you suffered. The beauty is that you kept going long enough to see what was waiting on the other side.

Choosing Myself

I think for the summer I will be taking a break from my blog.

For the entire month of July I am child free. No extra shifts. No running myself into the ground. Just me, myself, and I with my regular Monday through Friday schedule. Bills still need to be paid of course, but this season feels different.

Usually when I have extra time I fill every available space with work. I pick up more shifts. I stay busy. I convince myself that productivity is rest.

Not this time.

This summer I want to slow down enough to be intentional with myself. I want an extended period of time where my only responsibility is taking care of me. Pilates and yoga are definitely on the itinerary, but so is fun. I want to continue my little side quest summer. I want to explore. I want to say yes to random adventures. I want to do as much or as little as I feel called to do.

For once, I do not want every moment to be productive.

I want some of it to simply be beautiful.

As much as I am going to miss my mini me, Mama is tired. And if there is one thing I know, it is that she carries herself well wherever she goes.

The stress, fear, and anxiety I used to feel around visits has softened with time. I had to choose peace within myself. I had to trust God enough to keep my baby safe wherever she is.

I have also learned that she has her own journey to walk.

Her own experiences. Her own lessons. Her own cycles to break.

I am not here to possess her or mold her into who I think she should become. I am here to guide her. To love her. To protect her. To provide for her. To create a safe place for her to return to while she discovers who she is.

Leaving Isolation

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am only now coming out of isolation.

For years I sat in my own bubble consuming everything I could about healing, spirituality, wellness, relationships, friendship, and breaking generational cycles. There were so many nights where it was just me and God trying to make sense of the pain.

Healing often happens in private.

It happens in the quiet.

It happens in the moments nobody sees.

It is crying in your room and asking God to remove the hurt. It is carrying resentment, anger, grief, and disappointment for years until you finally find somewhere safe to put it down.

But eventually there comes a point where healing is no longer meant to happen alone.

Eventually there needs to be community.

There needs to be connection.

There needs to be people who show up for you the same way you have learned to show up for yourself.

In a world full of people, being truly seen is still rare.

Different Journeys, Different Timelines

One thing I have had to come to terms with is that not everyone is on the same healing journey as me.

Even deeper than that, not everyone is moving at the same pace.

I have met people who are earlier in their journey than I am. I have met people who are much further ahead. Yet regardless of where someone is, I try to offer the same level of respect, understanding, and grace.

I think we all deserve that.

I do not believe people need to earn softness.

I do not believe people need to be perfect before they are worthy of compassion.

The older I get, the more I realize that everyone is carrying something.

The Courage to Be Seen

Lately I feel like I have been presented with the same lesson in different forms.

I show up for people with patience. I allow them the space to reveal themselves through their actions. I let them be exactly who they are.

But I have noticed something.

Most people want to be admired.

Very few people want to be fully seen.

We all have a version of ourselves that we present to the world. The polished version. The version that feels safest. But that only holds my attention for so long.

I crave depth.

I want to understand why someone is the way they are.

I want to know what shaped them.

What broke them.

What healed them.

What they are still learning to forgive themselves for.

I love having the opportunity to truly see someone. Not the performance. Not the image. The person. And sometimes that scares people. Being seen at a depth that nobody has reached before can feel terrifying.

Truthfully, it scares me too.

I am still meeting new versions of myself every day. There are still layers of me that I am learning to understand and accept. So often we think we are afraid of rejection. But I wonder if sometimes we are actually afraid of acceptance. Afraid of someone seeing all of us and deciding to stay. Afraid of receiving the very thing we have been asking for because it feels unfamiliar.

After enough disappointment, healthy love can feel more uncomfortable than heartbreak. Being understood can feel more vulnerable than being misunderstood. Being cared for can feel more frightening than being neglected. Not because we do not want those things. But because they require us to stop surviving long enough to receive them.

Let People Be Who They Are

Fear has a way of keeping us in familiar places. Even when we know there is something better waiting. I never try to push my way of life onto anyone. I never try to convince people to think the way I think or heal the way I heal. I simply allow people to be who they are. And then I decide how much access they have to my life.

When I choose to let someone in, I let them be themselves.

No fixing. No forcing. No controlling. Just space.

Because love, friendship, and connection were never meant to be about changing people.

They are about seeing people clearly and choosing accordingly.

And maybe that is where peace lives.

Not in controlling who people become.

But in accepting who they already are.

Closing Mantra:

What is meant for me will never require me to chase it. I move with intention, openness, and grace. I trust myself enough to ask for what I want and trust life enough to meet me halfway. I am no longer shrinking, proving, or pursuing. I am becoming. What is aligned with me will recognize me, choose me, and find me with the same certainty that I am finding myself.

May 31, 2026 0

The Beauty in Stillness

The Quiet I Needed

These last few weeks have surprisingly been uneventful. Knowing me, there is always something going on, some type of chaos pulling at my attention. But the silence around me lately has nudged me to check in with myself. The stillness feels like a gentle reminder to finally do the things I said I was going to do but kept putting off because I was too busy, too distracted, or too tired to pour back into myself.

Being intentional with myself and my time has always been important to me. As the seasons shift, I can feel the shift happening within me too. I want to nourish what genuinely feeds my soul instead of constantly surviving through the motions of life.

Trusting the Process

There are a few things I’m working on quietly in the background, and for once, I’m allowing myself to enjoy the process instead of obsessing over the outcome. I’m learning to appreciate the buildup of something aligned with my path and purpose.

There have been so many moments in my life where I prayed for something so intensely that once I finally received it, I wasn’t fully prepared to hold onto it. This season feels different. I want to make sure that when these blessings unfold into the physical, I have the capacity to receive them, maintain them, and continue evolving alongside them.

I no longer want temporary manifestations. I want alignment that lasts.

Releasing the Need to Control Everything

It feels nice, honestly, to not constantly be operating in survival mode. I’m not moving from a place of lack, desperation, or fear anymore. Deep down, I truly believe that what is meant for me will always find its way to me, even if it doesn’t happen in the timing or form I imagined.

I always say “let go and let God,” but putting that into practice is not always easy. Sometimes we hold onto expectations so tightly that we forget how to simply accept things for what they are instead of forcing them into what we want them to be.

These past few weeks have taught me how to surrender a little more.

Growth Is Measured in the Way You Respond

Whenever I find myself in uncomfortable situations, I know there is usually a lesson attached to it. Discomfort is not always punishment. Sometimes it’s simply life pushing you outside of the comfort zone you’ve settled into.

Is it frustrating sometimes? Absolutely. Annoying? Of course. But shifting my perspective has taught me so much about myself. Real growth is not proven in peaceful moments. It’s revealed when life presents you with familiar triggers and you respond differently than you once would have.

Things, people, and situations will always trigger something within you. The question is how you choose to navigate through it. That is where the truth of healing lives.

No one is ever fully healed. No matter how many years they’ve been on the journey. Healing is not a final destination. It is a continuous evolution of self.

Love, Light, and Boundaries

The life I choose to live has always been rooted in evolution. That’s exactly why my name is Evolvewithnelle. I know for a fact I’m not the same person I was even a year ago.

My healing journey has evolved too. At one point, I viewed healing as only love and light, positivity, peace, and softness at all costs. While those things will always exist at my core, I’ve learned that balance matters. There is duality in everything.

There is light, but there is also shadow. There is softness, but there is also strength.

Sometimes healing looks like choosing peace. Other times healing looks like telling people to leave you alone and stop playing with you. Sometimes growth means finally recognizing when people intentionally misunderstand you because they can no longer manipulate you.

And honestly, it has been empowering to witness myself stand up for myself in ways I never used to.

Do not mistake my softness for weakness. I can choose love and still refuse disrespect. I can protect my peace without creating war. I now understand how to call my energy back from anything that no longer serves me.

Rediscovering Joy

This season of my life is also about learning how to enjoy the little things again.

I spent so many years focused on healing, shadow work, lessons, and survival that somewhere along the way I forgot what it felt like to simply experience joy without needing it to teach me something.

I want to laugh more. I want to feel free. I want to experience people, opportunities, and moments without constantly analyzing what lesson is attached to them.

Not everything has to be a battle. Not everything has to be heavy.

This season is teaching me patience too. Some things unfold in their own timing, and part of truly living is not always knowing exactly how everything will turn out. We are not supposed to know every detail of the story before it happens.

That uncertainty used to terrify me because I always wanted control over every outcome. But I’m finally learning that allowing things to come and go naturally is one of the most beautiful parts of life.

This is all part of the plot. The character development. The setup for the next chapter.

Closing Thoughts

Stillness and peace are unfamiliar to me, which is exactly why letting go can feel so difficult sometimes. But the difference now is that I’m aware of it. I can recognize when I’m becoming overwhelmed, triggered, or trying to control things that were never mine to control in the first place.

And honestly, isn’t that what healing and growth are really about?

Closing Mantra:

I no longer chase chaos to feel alive.
I trust what is meant for me.
I honor both my softness and my strength.
I release control and welcome alignment.
I am evolving, growing, and becoming more myself with every season.

May 24, 2026 0

Reclaiming My Mind, Releasing My Weight, and Returning to Myself Under the Full Moon

Digital Detox and Taking My Mind Back

After cutting back on my social media intake, I felt really good for a few days, even that entire week. The break allowed me to rest my mind and check back in with myself. I realized that not only was my algorithm my downfall, but my overthinking and anxious attachment style were a lethal combination. Stepping away truly did what I needed it to do.

When I came back, I was more intentional. I started rewiring my algorithm and shifting what was being pushed onto my feed. I still have to be mindful of what I consume, and honestly, it can feel exhausting having to decide so quickly whether something deserves my energy. But in a strange way, that awareness has reduced how much I even want to scroll. Less scrolling means less exposure, less comparison, less spiraling. Baby steps, but real ones. Taking control of my mind and what I consume is something worth acknowledging.

When the Full Moon Calls You to Face Yourself

I am not even going to lie to you, the last few weeks have been taking me out. And with this full moon, it felt like I was being spiritually pulled into confrontation with everything I had been avoiding. Full moons are known for illumination and release. They shine a light on what we try to suppress, forcing truth to the surface. Whether you are ready or not, the energy does not play.

This one felt different. It woke me up out of my sleep. Not gently, but with intention. I got up before the sun even rose and sat with myself in the stillness. That early morning energy felt sacred, like the world was quiet just so I could hear my own thoughts clearly. There was no distraction, no noise, just me and everything I had been carrying.

I grabbed my journal and wrote everything out. No filtering, no holding back. Just truth pouring onto paper. Full moon energy is about release, but you cannot release what you refuse to acknowledge. Writing became my way of purging what had been sitting heavy on my mind, body, and spirit.

And the truth is, I have been carrying a lot alone. I have not taken my search for a new therapist as seriously as I should, so everything has been sitting with me. It is heavy not having a space where I can unpack things without judgment. A space where I can be guided, challenged, and supported in a healthy way. Growth is beautiful, but it is also overwhelming when you are navigating new experiences without a map.

When the Body Speaks What the Mind Holds

These last few weeks have been overwhelming on every level. Spiritually, emotionally, and now physically. I ended up with a head cold, which feels almost ironic. Weeks of overthinking, replaying situations, questioning outcomes, wondering what I could have done differently, and creating endless scenarios in my mind. And now my body is reflecting that same congestion.

This cold has been persistent. Normally, I can knock something like this out in a few days with my usual remedies, hydration, and rest. But this one has lingered. It comes in waves. Some days I feel like I am getting better, and then it comes back just as strong. Congestion, pressure, fatigue. No matter what I do, it does not fully leave.

As a spiritual woman, I cannot ignore the connection. My mind has been congested with overthinking, stress, and anxiety. And now my body is mirroring that same stuck energy. Just like my thoughts, this cold refuses to move. It is a reminder that what we hold internally will always find a way to express itself externally.

Healing Without Escape

In my teens and twenties, when life felt overwhelming, I turned to weed and alcohol to numb what I did not want to feel. But at 30, those are no longer my go-to. And the truth is, there is nothing that truly numbs it anymore.

Once you become aware, you cannot go back. Once you know better, you have to do better.

That is the part of healing that people do not talk about enough. There is no escape. No shortcut. No distraction strong enough to override awareness. Being spiritual and committed to healing can sometimes feel like pressure. Like I always need to be fixing something, improving something, working on something.

But that is not the truth.

Sometimes, healing is simply allowing yourself to feel.
I am stressed being a single mother when that was never the plan.
I am overwhelmed carrying everything on my own.
I am anxious when I am left in uncertainty and my mind starts filling in the blanks.

And instead of trying to fix it immediately, I am learning to just sit with it.

Full Moon Release Ritual

So when the full moon woke me up, I listened. I held space for everything I had been avoiding. I cried. I felt it fully. And then I released it.

I wrote down everything I am letting go of, because release requires intention.

I release any situation, person, place, or opportunity that is no longer for me
I release stress
I release anxious attachment to people
I release the anxious thoughts that consume my mind and body
I release illness and stagnant energy
I release any lack mindset
I release the need to constantly be doing
I release the belief that I am never enough
I release the fear of not being fully chosen
I release emotionally unavailable connections

Full moons are not just about letting go. They are about reclaiming your energy. Calling your power back. Choosing yourself again and again.

Choosing Alignment Over Attention

I have really taken myself out of the game. And I mean that. I do not even want to entertain anyone right now.

I am going to be honest. I downloaded a dating app, set up my profile, and within minutes of swiping through two profiles, I deleted it. Immediately. I knew my intentions were not pure. I was trying to fill a void. I wanted attention.

But if I am seeking depth and a genuine connection, I cannot enter a space with shallow intentions. That would make me no different from the experiences I have been trying to heal from.

Given my history with emotionally unavailable men and dishonesty, I refuse to become a reflection of that. So yes, my phone is dry. Very dry. And while that can feel uncomfortable, I would rather sit in that discomfort than entertain something that is not aligned.

I will keep my little crush light and playful in my mind, and I will trust that what is meant for me will find me when the time is right.

Until then, I know there is still work to do within myself. Especially when it comes to my anxious attachment. I want to meet someone from a grounded place, not a place of need.

If the opportunity comes to connect with someone in a real, intentional way, I will be open to practicing what I have learned. But for now, I am taking it one day at a time.

Closing Mantra

What is leaving me is not a loss, it is a clearing
What is meant for me will not require confusion or chasing
I trust the timing of my life even when I cannot see the full picture
I am rooted in myself, guided by peace, and open to what is real

May 3, 2026 0