Sometimes we are left without any real answers, and you find yourself going back and forth with God asking, “Why?” Why did this happen? What was I supposed to learn from this? Why would you put this person in my life if you were just going to take them away?
A lot of the time, we’re told not to question God, the Most High, the universe, or whatever higher power we believe in. But I do. Because sometimes I genuinely don’t understand what is happening to me or for me. Right now, I don’t even know what lesson I’m supposed to gain from this. I just feel heartbreak. I feel the loss of potential. The grief of what could have been, what felt like it was meant to be, but isn’t. Because here we are again.
This time, instead of asking him why, I’m asking God why.
Maybe as time passes and the pain subsides, I’ll be able to see this from another perspective. Maybe I’ll hear God more clearly when my mind settles and the vision I had for myself fades. For now, I think all I can do is allow time to pass and let God take control. To finally let go and let God do His thing. Because honestly, that’s all I have left in me. I don’t have it in me to keep trying to do things my way anymore.
The life I imagine for myself doesn’t compare to the plans God may have for me, so I’m choosing to trust that every redirection is for my greater good. When I don’t understand something, I feel the urge to ask why. But if I’m not in the right headspace to receive the answer, is it even worth asking? Is it sometimes better to sit in the unknown? Does it hurt less? I don’t really know, but I’m going to find out.
Taking Space to Recenter
For the next month, I’m intentionally disconnecting so I can recenter myself. I don’t really know what else to do. Part of me wants to isolate and cut everyone off, but I know that urge comes from the unhealed avoidant part of me, and I don’t want to feed that. Still, I need space. Because what do you do when it feels like nothing is working?
I’ve spent years healing. Therapy. Isolation. Journaling. Working on myself. Changing my environment. Letting go of what no longer served me. Cleaning my life from the inside out. And the moment I opened my heart again, it felt like more disappointment, more heartbreak, more lessons stacked on top of lessons.
There have been beautiful moments. I won’t deny that. But our minds tend to focus on the negative more than the good, and I need to work harder at shifting my mindset. I want to believe in a life where I can be loved fully, openly, and without hesitation. We all deserve love, joy, health, peace, favor, and prosperity, but we also have to show up for the life we say we want.
Resetting My Mind, My Energy, and My Focus
This next season means disconnecting from social media in a healthier way. I’ll still post my blogs and check in occasionally, but I won’t be mindlessly scrolling or consuming everyone else’s opinions about love and relationships. Sometimes social media gives us too much access to people and too much outside influence. I found myself consuming endless relationship content and letting it cloud my intuition, pulling me further away from myself. I want to return to my own voice and my own truth.
I’m getting back into journaling. I’m looking for a new therapist. I’m also being honest about how lonely this journey can feel. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life, and sometimes it feels like I don’t have anyone to really talk to about this. Creating this blog has helped me, and I hope it helps others who feel alone or who carry their pain without a healthy outlet.
Rebuilding Hope, Slowly and Intentionally
I’m also starting a weekly blessings jar. Every week, I’ll write down at least one good thing that happened to me or something I’m grateful for. My hope is that when New Year’s Eve comes, instead of crying over heartbreak, I’ll be reading proof of how God showed up for me throughout the year.
I’m recommitting to my health and fitness too. I’ve been eating better, but I need to start moving my body again. At least thirty minutes a day, a few times a week. It’s time to lock in.
But most importantly, for the next few weeks, I’m giving myself permission to be still. Outside of work and being a mom, I don’t want to force productivity. I want rest. Quiet. Prayer. Time with God. I want to leave my burdens at His feet and not pick them back up.
One thing about me is I will start over as many times as I need to until I get it right.
I may not understand the path yet, but I trust the One who wrote it — and that is enough for me to keep going.
Release. Rest. Realign. Repeat
Asé
Diary of a Self- Lover 
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