Protecting the Peace I Prayed For

Learning How to Sit in Peace

I keep talking about the peace and balance that my life has right now. Honestly, for the first time in almost four years, there is peace.

And this week that peace made me uncomfortable.

I’m beyond grateful for how far I’ve come and how hard I’ve worked to get to this point. But when you’ve spent so much time living in survival mode where there’s constant chaos, drama, and a literal war within yourself, peace can feel unfamiliar.

Sometimes I catch myself waiting for the next disaster. Almost anticipating that something will go wrong so I can say, “Yep, there it is. It was too good to be true.”

It’s strange because I’ve spent years praying for this level of peace. Yet now that it’s here, part of me doesn’t quite know what to do with it.

I think that’s because chaos used to feel normal. Fighting battles used to feel normal. Being in a constant state of fixing, healing, surviving, and pushing through felt normal.

Peace doesn’t ask me to fight.

Peace asks me to sit still.

Peace asks me to trust.

Peace asks me to stop looking over my shoulder waiting for something bad to happen.

I have another week before my daughter leaves to visit her dad and honestly, I think the timing is divine. This inner teenager and young adult version of me that once thrived off chaos isn’t getting fed that way anymore. So now I’m being forced to face her head on.

I don’t know exactly how this season is going to unfold but I can feel something shifting. It’s happening a lot faster than I expected.

The Messages in My Dreams

Something else that’s been really significant for me lately has been my dreams.

I’ve talked about it here before but dreaming is one of my spiritual gifts. My dreams are vivid and more often than not they end up being prophetic.

Lately I’ve been having a lot of relationship themed dreams.

I’ve had dreams warning me about people from my past trying to reenter my life. I’ve had dreams showing me the energy and intentions behind certain connections. I’ve also had dreams about my future and glimpses of what partnership could look like for me one day.

It’s fascinating to experience the past, present, and future all within the dream world.

One thing I’ve learned over the years is that sometimes people appear in my dreams wearing the faces of people I know in my waking life. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s that exact person. Sometimes the dream is using a familiar face because that person represents a lesson, an energy, or a feeling that my subconscious recognizes.

The dream world has been very active lately.

I’ve also learned not to take every dream too literally. Not every warning requires action and not every glimpse of the future requires me to rush ahead.

The gift of knowing isn’t always about doing.

Sometimes it’s simply about receiving.

Sometimes it’s about paying attention.

And if action is required, it’s about preparing instead of trying to force, fix, or control an outcome.

For now, I’m choosing to trust what comes through and allow it to unfold in divine timing.

Calling My Energy Back

More than anything, I feel like I’m in a season of calling my energy back.

Back from people.

Back from situations.

Back from expectations.

Back from places and things that no longer serve me.

As I continue to grow in my healing journey and deepen my spiritual practices, I know I’m protected and prayed up. But that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t have control over the people around me. And honestly, I don’t want that kind of control.

What I can control is how much access people have to me.

I’m learning the art of detachment.

I’m learning how to create space without guilt.

I’m learning that boundaries aren’t punishment. They’re protection.

There is only one thing in this life that I can control and that’s me. So when people show me who they are more than once, I believe them and move accordingly.

I don’t like when people make me be mean. Truthfully, I wouldn’t even call it being mean because being mean takes too much energy and I don’t have time for that.

What I will do is call my energy back.

I will create distance.

I will remove access.

I will choose myself.

I think people get upset when you stop participating in unhealthy dynamics. They get uncomfortable when you no longer tolerate the behavior they’ve grown accustomed to giving you.

But that’s not my responsibility.

I saw the pattern.

I acknowledged the behavior.

I made a decision that was best for me.

That’s not being mean.

That’s being self aware.

That’s choosing peace.

I’ve spent too much of my life living in survival mode to willingly return to environments that leave me feeling drained, anxious, or emotionally unsafe.

Even with the people I care about the most, I can’t choose them over me.

As much as I may love someone or desire a connection with them, if things aren’t being reciprocated, if growth isn’t happening, or if I find myself carrying the weight of the relationship alone, I have to step back and allow people the space to figure themselves out.

This season is teaching me that choosing myself isn’t selfish.

It’s necessary.

I worked too hard for this peace not to protect it.

A Season of Rest

Part of protecting my peace has been recognizing where I need rest.

And honestly, I think that includes this blog.

As much as I love writing and as hard as I’ve worked to make this dream a reality, it’s still a labor of love. It takes time to figure out what I want to say, organize my thoughts, edit everything, and make sure I’m sharing from a healthy place.

I have people who reach out every week with feedback. I have readers who genuinely look forward to these blogs. And then there are the silent readers and watchers who tune in regularly and I have absolutely no idea who they are.

That’s the nature of creating online.

Sometimes it’s beautiful.

Sometimes it’s overwhelming.

Lately I’ve been wondering if I need a break.

Not because I don’t love this space but because I want to honor the season I’m in.

Maybe I take the summer off and call it the end of Season One.

Maybe I come back in the fall with fresh experiences, fresh lessons, and a fresh perspective.

I’m not entirely sure yet.

What I do know is that Spirit has never led me wrong. So whatever decision I make, I trust it will be the right one for this chapter of my life.

Why Does This Always Happen?

Now for the funny part.

It’s always interesting to me that every single time I decide to focus on myself, the universe sends men.

Without fail.

The second I say, “You know what? Let me pour into myself. Let me focus on my healing. Let me mind my business,” suddenly everyone wants access.

I get asked out.

I get messages.

I get approached.

I get flirted with.

And honestly, I’ve been keeping to myself more than ever.

I don’t really entertain people these days. I’m very transparent about where I am in life. I can tell pretty quickly when someone is operating from lust and not genuine interest.

One of my favorite questions to ask is, “Why do you want to go out with me?”

The answer usually tells me everything I need to know.

And once I have my answer, I continue my walk with Christ. Me and Christ alone, lol.

The funniest part is that this doesn’t just happen outside of work.

It happens at work too.

Sir, I am looking my absolute worst right now. Running around. Trying to get through my day. And somehow you’re still shooting your shot.

The young ones.

The older ones.

The healthy and the sick ones.

Nobody has any shame in their game.

I respect the confidence. I truly do.

But the answer is still no. Respectfully.

The answer is no for now. Because in this season, my focus isn’t on who wants access to me.

My focus is on making sure I deserve access to myself.

Asé.

Closing Mantra:

“I call my energy back from every place it no longer belongs and return it to myself with love.” ✨🖤

June 21, 2026 0

The Courage to Be Seen

There is something really interesting about looking back and realizing that we create the life we desire one small choice at a time.

Sometimes I have to sit back and think, damn, I really came far from where I was a year ago. Two years ago. Even five years ago.

I think that is the ugly truth about hitting rock bottom. It feels devastating while you are living through it. It feels unfair and exhausting. Yet somehow, when enough time passes, you can finally see the growth that came from it. You can see the blessings that slowly replaced what was once missing. The beauty is not that you suffered. The beauty is that you kept going long enough to see what was waiting on the other side.

Choosing Myself

I think for the summer I will be taking a break from my blog.

For the entire month of July I am child free. No extra shifts. No running myself into the ground. Just me, myself, and I with my regular Monday through Friday schedule. Bills still need to be paid of course, but this season feels different.

Usually when I have extra time I fill every available space with work. I pick up more shifts. I stay busy. I convince myself that productivity is rest.

Not this time.

This summer I want to slow down enough to be intentional with myself. I want an extended period of time where my only responsibility is taking care of me. Pilates and yoga are definitely on the itinerary, but so is fun. I want to continue my little side quest summer. I want to explore. I want to say yes to random adventures. I want to do as much or as little as I feel called to do.

For once, I do not want every moment to be productive.

I want some of it to simply be beautiful.

As much as I am going to miss my mini me, Mama is tired. And if there is one thing I know, it is that she carries herself well wherever she goes.

The stress, fear, and anxiety I used to feel around visits has softened with time. I had to choose peace within myself. I had to trust God enough to keep my baby safe wherever she is.

I have also learned that she has her own journey to walk.

Her own experiences. Her own lessons. Her own cycles to break.

I am not here to possess her or mold her into who I think she should become. I am here to guide her. To love her. To protect her. To provide for her. To create a safe place for her to return to while she discovers who she is.

Leaving Isolation

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am only now coming out of isolation.

For years I sat in my own bubble consuming everything I could about healing, spirituality, wellness, relationships, friendship, and breaking generational cycles. There were so many nights where it was just me and God trying to make sense of the pain.

Healing often happens in private.

It happens in the quiet.

It happens in the moments nobody sees.

It is crying in your room and asking God to remove the hurt. It is carrying resentment, anger, grief, and disappointment for years until you finally find somewhere safe to put it down.

But eventually there comes a point where healing is no longer meant to happen alone.

Eventually there needs to be community.

There needs to be connection.

There needs to be people who show up for you the same way you have learned to show up for yourself.

In a world full of people, being truly seen is still rare.

Different Journeys, Different Timelines

One thing I have had to come to terms with is that not everyone is on the same healing journey as me.

Even deeper than that, not everyone is moving at the same pace.

I have met people who are earlier in their journey than I am. I have met people who are much further ahead. Yet regardless of where someone is, I try to offer the same level of respect, understanding, and grace.

I think we all deserve that.

I do not believe people need to earn softness.

I do not believe people need to be perfect before they are worthy of compassion.

The older I get, the more I realize that everyone is carrying something.

The Courage to Be Seen

Lately I feel like I have been presented with the same lesson in different forms.

I show up for people with patience. I allow them the space to reveal themselves through their actions. I let them be exactly who they are.

But I have noticed something.

Most people want to be admired.

Very few people want to be fully seen.

We all have a version of ourselves that we present to the world. The polished version. The version that feels safest. But that only holds my attention for so long.

I crave depth.

I want to understand why someone is the way they are.

I want to know what shaped them.

What broke them.

What healed them.

What they are still learning to forgive themselves for.

I love having the opportunity to truly see someone. Not the performance. Not the image. The person. And sometimes that scares people. Being seen at a depth that nobody has reached before can feel terrifying.

Truthfully, it scares me too.

I am still meeting new versions of myself every day. There are still layers of me that I am learning to understand and accept. So often we think we are afraid of rejection. But I wonder if sometimes we are actually afraid of acceptance. Afraid of someone seeing all of us and deciding to stay. Afraid of receiving the very thing we have been asking for because it feels unfamiliar.

After enough disappointment, healthy love can feel more uncomfortable than heartbreak. Being understood can feel more vulnerable than being misunderstood. Being cared for can feel more frightening than being neglected. Not because we do not want those things. But because they require us to stop surviving long enough to receive them.

Let People Be Who They Are

Fear has a way of keeping us in familiar places. Even when we know there is something better waiting. I never try to push my way of life onto anyone. I never try to convince people to think the way I think or heal the way I heal. I simply allow people to be who they are. And then I decide how much access they have to my life.

When I choose to let someone in, I let them be themselves.

No fixing. No forcing. No controlling. Just space.

Because love, friendship, and connection were never meant to be about changing people.

They are about seeing people clearly and choosing accordingly.

And maybe that is where peace lives.

Not in controlling who people become.

But in accepting who they already are.

Closing Mantra:

What is meant for me will never require me to chase it. I move with intention, openness, and grace. I trust myself enough to ask for what I want and trust life enough to meet me halfway. I am no longer shrinking, proving, or pursuing. I am becoming. What is aligned with me will recognize me, choose me, and find me with the same certainty that I am finding myself.

May 31, 2026 0

When Healing Still Hurts: Letting Go, Letting God, and Learning to Receive Love

Sometimes we are left without any real answers, and you find yourself going back and forth with God asking, “Why?” Why did this happen? What was I supposed to learn from this? Why would you put this person in my life if you were just going to take them away?

A lot of the time, we’re told not to question God, the Most High, the universe, or whatever higher power we believe in. But I do. Because sometimes I genuinely don’t understand what is happening to me or for me. Right now, I don’t even know what lesson I’m supposed to gain from this. I just feel heartbreak. I feel the loss of potential. The grief of what could have been, what felt like it was meant to be, but isn’t. Because here we are again.

This time, instead of asking him why, I’m asking God why.

Maybe as time passes and the pain subsides, I’ll be able to see this from another perspective. Maybe I’ll hear God more clearly when my mind settles and the vision I had for myself fades. For now, I think all I can do is allow time to pass and let God take control. To finally let go and let God do His thing. Because honestly, that’s all I have left in me. I don’t have it in me to keep trying to do things my way anymore.

The life I imagine for myself doesn’t compare to the plans God may have for me, so I’m choosing to trust that every redirection is for my greater good. When I don’t understand something, I feel the urge to ask why. But if I’m not in the right headspace to receive the answer, is it even worth asking? Is it sometimes better to sit in the unknown? Does it hurt less? I don’t really know, but I’m going to find out.

Taking Space to Recenter

For the next month, I’m intentionally disconnecting so I can recenter myself. I don’t really know what else to do. Part of me wants to isolate and cut everyone off, but I know that urge comes from the unhealed avoidant part of me, and I don’t want to feed that. Still, I need space. Because what do you do when it feels like nothing is working?

I’ve spent years healing. Therapy. Isolation. Journaling. Working on myself. Changing my environment. Letting go of what no longer served me. Cleaning my life from the inside out. And the moment I opened my heart again, it felt like more disappointment, more heartbreak, more lessons stacked on top of lessons.

There have been beautiful moments. I won’t deny that. But our minds tend to focus on the negative more than the good, and I need to work harder at shifting my mindset. I want to believe in a life where I can be loved fully, openly, and without hesitation. We all deserve love, joy, health, peace, favor, and prosperity, but we also have to show up for the life we say we want.

Resetting My Mind, My Energy, and My Focus

This next season means disconnecting from social media in a healthier way. I’ll still post my blogs and check in occasionally, but I won’t be mindlessly scrolling or consuming everyone else’s opinions about love and relationships. Sometimes social media gives us too much access to people and too much outside influence. I found myself consuming endless relationship content and letting it cloud my intuition, pulling me further away from myself. I want to return to my own voice and my own truth.

I’m getting back into journaling. I’m looking for a new therapist. I’m also being honest about how lonely this journey can feel. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life, and sometimes it feels like I don’t have anyone to really talk to about this. Creating this blog has helped me, and I hope it helps others who feel alone or who carry their pain without a healthy outlet.

Rebuilding Hope, Slowly and Intentionally

I’m also starting a weekly blessings jar. Every week, I’ll write down at least one good thing that happened to me or something I’m grateful for. My hope is that when New Year’s Eve comes, instead of crying over heartbreak, I’ll be reading proof of how God showed up for me throughout the year.

I’m recommitting to my health and fitness too. I’ve been eating better, but I need to start moving my body again. At least thirty minutes a day, a few times a week. It’s time to lock in.

But most importantly, for the next few weeks, I’m giving myself permission to be still. Outside of work and being a mom, I don’t want to force productivity. I want rest. Quiet. Prayer. Time with God. I want to leave my burdens at His feet and not pick them back up.

One thing about me is I will start over as many times as I need to until I get it right.

I may not understand the path yet, but I trust the One who wrote it — and that is enough for me to keep going.

Release. Rest. Realign. Repeat

Asé

February 1, 2026 0