Learning How to Sit in Peace

I keep talking about the peace and balance that my life has right now. Honestly, for the first time in almost four years, there is peace.

And this week that peace made me uncomfortable.

I’m beyond grateful for how far I’ve come and how hard I’ve worked to get to this point. But when you’ve spent so much time living in survival mode where there’s constant chaos, drama, and a literal war within yourself, peace can feel unfamiliar.

Sometimes I catch myself waiting for the next disaster. Almost anticipating that something will go wrong so I can say, “Yep, there it is. It was too good to be true.”

It’s strange because I’ve spent years praying for this level of peace. Yet now that it’s here, part of me doesn’t quite know what to do with it.

I think that’s because chaos used to feel normal. Fighting battles used to feel normal. Being in a constant state of fixing, healing, surviving, and pushing through felt normal.

Peace doesn’t ask me to fight.

Peace asks me to sit still.

Peace asks me to trust.

Peace asks me to stop looking over my shoulder waiting for something bad to happen.

I have another week before my daughter leaves to visit her dad and honestly, I think the timing is divine. This inner teenager and young adult version of me that once thrived off chaos isn’t getting fed that way anymore. So now I’m being forced to face her head on.

I don’t know exactly how this season is going to unfold but I can feel something shifting. It’s happening a lot faster than I expected.

The Messages in My Dreams

Something else that’s been really significant for me lately has been my dreams.

I’ve talked about it here before but dreaming is one of my spiritual gifts. My dreams are vivid and more often than not they end up being prophetic.

Lately I’ve been having a lot of relationship themed dreams.

I’ve had dreams warning me about people from my past trying to reenter my life. I’ve had dreams showing me the energy and intentions behind certain connections. I’ve also had dreams about my future and glimpses of what partnership could look like for me one day.

It’s fascinating to experience the past, present, and future all within the dream world.

One thing I’ve learned over the years is that sometimes people appear in my dreams wearing the faces of people I know in my waking life. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s that exact person. Sometimes the dream is using a familiar face because that person represents a lesson, an energy, or a feeling that my subconscious recognizes.

The dream world has been very active lately.

I’ve also learned not to take every dream too literally. Not every warning requires action and not every glimpse of the future requires me to rush ahead.

The gift of knowing isn’t always about doing.

Sometimes it’s simply about receiving.

Sometimes it’s about paying attention.

And if action is required, it’s about preparing instead of trying to force, fix, or control an outcome.

For now, I’m choosing to trust what comes through and allow it to unfold in divine timing.

Calling My Energy Back

More than anything, I feel like I’m in a season of calling my energy back.

Back from people.

Back from situations.

Back from expectations.

Back from places and things that no longer serve me.

As I continue to grow in my healing journey and deepen my spiritual practices, I know I’m protected and prayed up. But that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t have control over the people around me. And honestly, I don’t want that kind of control.

What I can control is how much access people have to me.

I’m learning the art of detachment.

I’m learning how to create space without guilt.

I’m learning that boundaries aren’t punishment. They’re protection.

There is only one thing in this life that I can control and that’s me. So when people show me who they are more than once, I believe them and move accordingly.

I don’t like when people make me be mean. Truthfully, I wouldn’t even call it being mean because being mean takes too much energy and I don’t have time for that.

What I will do is call my energy back.

I will create distance.

I will remove access.

I will choose myself.

I think people get upset when you stop participating in unhealthy dynamics. They get uncomfortable when you no longer tolerate the behavior they’ve grown accustomed to giving you.

But that’s not my responsibility.

I saw the pattern.

I acknowledged the behavior.

I made a decision that was best for me.

That’s not being mean.

That’s being self aware.

That’s choosing peace.

I’ve spent too much of my life living in survival mode to willingly return to environments that leave me feeling drained, anxious, or emotionally unsafe.

Even with the people I care about the most, I can’t choose them over me.

As much as I may love someone or desire a connection with them, if things aren’t being reciprocated, if growth isn’t happening, or if I find myself carrying the weight of the relationship alone, I have to step back and allow people the space to figure themselves out.

This season is teaching me that choosing myself isn’t selfish.

It’s necessary.

I worked too hard for this peace not to protect it.

A Season of Rest

Part of protecting my peace has been recognizing where I need rest.

And honestly, I think that includes this blog.

As much as I love writing and as hard as I’ve worked to make this dream a reality, it’s still a labor of love. It takes time to figure out what I want to say, organize my thoughts, edit everything, and make sure I’m sharing from a healthy place.

I have people who reach out every week with feedback. I have readers who genuinely look forward to these blogs. And then there are the silent readers and watchers who tune in regularly and I have absolutely no idea who they are.

That’s the nature of creating online.

Sometimes it’s beautiful.

Sometimes it’s overwhelming.

Lately I’ve been wondering if I need a break.

Not because I don’t love this space but because I want to honor the season I’m in.

Maybe I take the summer off and call it the end of Season One.

Maybe I come back in the fall with fresh experiences, fresh lessons, and a fresh perspective.

I’m not entirely sure yet.

What I do know is that Spirit has never led me wrong. So whatever decision I make, I trust it will be the right one for this chapter of my life.

Why Does This Always Happen?

Now for the funny part.

It’s always interesting to me that every single time I decide to focus on myself, the universe sends men.

Without fail.

The second I say, “You know what? Let me pour into myself. Let me focus on my healing. Let me mind my business,” suddenly everyone wants access.

I get asked out.

I get messages.

I get approached.

I get flirted with.

And honestly, I’ve been keeping to myself more than ever.

I don’t really entertain people these days. I’m very transparent about where I am in life. I can tell pretty quickly when someone is operating from lust and not genuine interest.

One of my favorite questions to ask is, “Why do you want to go out with me?”

The answer usually tells me everything I need to know.

And once I have my answer, I continue my walk with Christ. Me and Christ alone, lol.

The funniest part is that this doesn’t just happen outside of work.

It happens at work too.

Sir, I am looking my absolute worst right now. Running around. Trying to get through my day. And somehow you’re still shooting your shot.

The young ones.

The older ones.

The healthy and the sick ones.

Nobody has any shame in their game.

I respect the confidence. I truly do.

But the answer is still no. Respectfully.

The answer is no for now. Because in this season, my focus isn’t on who wants access to me.

My focus is on making sure I deserve access to myself.

Asé.

Closing Mantra:

“I call my energy back from every place it no longer belongs and return it to myself with love.” ✨🖤