Letting the Situation Change Me
I think it is about time that I let the situation change me. And I do not mean that in a bitter way. I mean that with softness, love, and compassion for myself.
Since I opened myself up to dating again and outwardly expressing love in a romantic way, it has felt like lesson after lesson. If you want the tea on dating app catastrophes and my past experiences, scroll back to my earlier blogs. I break down everything I have learned through those situations.
I recently went through another one (yes I know I said I was done but here we are). And this time it took me longer than it should have to see the lesson clearly.
The first thing I had to accept is that I have to stop blaming myself for someone else’s actions and how they chose to treat me. We are all grown. We know exactly what we are doing. We know how we are treating the people we claim to love and care for. Trauma does not excuse it. Religion does not excuse it. Spiritual journeys do not excuse it. Healing timelines do not excuse it.
Especially when there is vulnerability. Especially when I am communicating how I feel. Especially when I am patient.
People know exactly how they are treating you. You should never have to over explain yourself repeatedly. And when someone disrespects you, plays in your face, becomes avoidant, or breadcrumbs you, the first time you notice the pattern you walk away. It is a pattern. And it is a choice.
Too many people preach but do not practice what they preach. There’s no remorse. No accountability. No truth. No conversation just avoidance and silence.
If I had listened to my gut from the beginning and honored my discernment, I would not have attached myself to someone who was not mine to attach to.
Accountability and Spiritual Growth
I will always hold my hand up and say I have been the toxic one before. I have hurt people. I have lied. I have acted selfishly. I own that.
I never tell my story from a place of pride. I tell it because I am living proof that people can change when they truly do the internal work. Therapy. Reflection. Accountability.
Hurt people hurt people. That is real.
Loving others the way you want to be loved is biblical. Loving your neighbor is biblical. I may not know the exact verses, I think it’s something like “Do to others as you would have them do to you” but I know the spirit of it. Walking with God is not about perfection. It is daily practice. It is integrity when no one is watching. It is choosing honesty when it would be easier to avoid it.
Dormant, Not Dead
The lover girl in me is not gone. She is dormant.
Not because she is bitter. Not because she is hardened. But because not everyone has the capacity to cherish that version of me. I keep pouring into people who are not ready to receive it or who do not understand the value that version of me carries.
That does not mean I stop being loving. That does not mean I stop being kind, light filled, and intentional in my daily life. That is my character. That is who I am as a woman. I will not change that because someone failed to appreciate it.
But when it comes to romantic love, I am no longer seeking it. I love myself too much to ever let anyone treat me like an option. Like I am not worthy. Like I am not God’s favorite.
I avoided praying for realignment because I knew it would shift my reality. But once too many tears fell and the cycle of inconsistency, breadcrumbing, push and pull became undeniable, everything I needed to know was revealed to me. I did not have to seek it. It came to me.
My dreams tell me everything. My discernment speaks loudly. My walk with Christ is not about memorizing scripture. It is about living the work. Breathing the healing. Crying when I need to. And still accepting the truth when it is uncomfortable.
Loving Hard With Protection
I love hard. I crave union. I crave connection with my person.
But I have to reel in the lover girl because she gets me stuck. She sees potential. She is patient. She believes in people. She loves deeply.
And while that is beautiful, it can also leave me attached to situations that do not align.
I have to hold my romantic heart closer to me. The love God placed inside me deserves protection. The lover girl will return fully when actions align with words.
I also have to accept my own role in my suffering. The choice was made months ago. I just did not want to accept it.
Closure Is Not Required
Closure is not needed to move on. They do not owe you an explanation. And no matter how badly you want the truth, you may never get it.
And that is okay.
If I waited my whole life for apologies or clarity, I would still be the broken woman I was years ago chasing something that was never meant for me.
The Standard Moving Forward
My man will respect me. He will cherish me. He will be honest and transparent even when it is uncomfortable. He will be consistent. He will show effort. He will add to my life, not drain me or leave me confused and anxious.
No obstacle, excuse, silence, or avoidance will overpower what is meant for me. God and choosing each other daily will be the center of our foundation.
Protection, Not Bitterness
This shift is protection.
At the end of the day, people move on. They build rosters. They choose the next. And when they do not choose you, you and God are left to pick up the pieces and heal again.
I want to move with love and intention but with a healthy level of protection over my soft heart. The streets are not for me. I am meant to be soft. Meant to be a lover girl for my man.
But there is a process that has to take place before that softness is safe.
I am patient enough. I love myself enough to wait. I am not searching anymore. The love I keep trying to receive from others, I will pour back into myself.
I will start over as many times as necessary until I get it right. The key is learning the lessons and refusing to repeat the cycles.
If you are not going to better my life, leave me alone.
If you are not going to treat me properly, leave me alone.
If you are unsure about me, leave me alone.
If I am not what you are looking for, leave me alone.
I am not for everyone. And that is okay. But stop hurting good women who are actually trying to do things right. If you are not ready, find someone at your pace. And when you are ready, come with full effort.
Until then, leave us lover girls alone.
Sincerely,
Former Lover Girl💋
Diary of a Self- Lover 
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