I really don’t even know what to say. And I think that might be the most honest place I’ve been in for a while.

Every time I feel creative—every time I feel the urge to share my life, my healing, my experiences—I feel a nudge from spirit telling me to reel it back in. And for a moment, that confused me. Because if you’ve been here from the beginning, you know this blog itself was once just a dream… one that came to me almost exactly a year ago and has finally come into fruition.

So why would I be called to pull back now?

At first, I interpreted it the way I always have: As soon as I open myself back up, I’m “saying too much.” And when that thought creeps in, I do what I’ve always done best—I isolate. I shut down. I stop sharing. I stop connecting.

But this is a dream of mine. And I refuse to let fear, trauma, or the lingering effects of being watched, judged, or misunderstood keep me hostage.

Because I didn’t come this far just to disappear again. And I didn’t build this space to show up as a diluted or unauthentic version of myself—to please who? Because it’s definitely not me.

A Misinterpretation of Spirit

Yes, my spirit team has been telling me to “shut the fuck up”…. but not in the way my trauma wants me to believe.

This isn’t about silencing myself. It’s about discernment.

Right when I started feeling comfortable again, the unhealed parts of me resurfaced. And that makes sense—because three years ago around this time, I was planning my escape from a narcissistic relationship. I had no money, no support system nearby, a newborn baby, and was deep in postpartum. I was terrified.

I packed what I could—my baby, a checked bag, a diaper bag—and I left everything else behind.

And even when I was thousands of miles away, I didn’t feel safe.

I truly believed I was being watched, tracked, monitored. I was afraid that anything I posted—no matter how harmless—could be used against me. That photos could give away my location. That visibility equaled danger.

And the hardest part? My instincts weren’t wrong.

So I disconnected from everything and everyone. I told myself it was protection. And in many ways, it was. But I was also disconnecting from me.

The Pattern I’m Unlearning

As a child, I learned that staying quiet kept the peace. That not rocking the boat was safer.

And without realizing it, I carried that same survival pattern into my adult life—especially when it came to being seen, heard, and known for the value of what I have to say.

So every time I try to step forward, that same feeling returns: You’re saying too much. This could be used against you. It’s safer to stop.

But here’s the truth I’m finally facing:

The narcissist will always be a narcissist. But my biggest fear was never really them.

It was me.

It was the fear that if I start something, I’ll have to keep going. That I’ll have to hold myself accountable.That I might actually succeed.

Because hiding removes the risk of failure—but it also removes the chance of success.

What I Know Now

Yes, my fears are valid. Yes, patterns don’t disappear overnight.

But I also know this: I am worthy of sharing my truth. I am worthy of success. And even if I stumble or fall, this is mine.

At least I kept going. At least I didn’t let fear dictate the ending of my story.

And the biggest lesson I’ve learned—especially now—is this:

Not everything is meant to be shared. But there is immense power and impact in what I choose to say.

That choice belongs to me.

And this time, I’m choosing alignment over silence.

With this year coming to a screeching end, I’ve been taking time to reflect. When I look back, there are a few major takeaways that have marked significant growth in my healing journey.

At the very top of that list is learning how to protect my peace.

There are many people still deeply simulated into the “matrix,” and I’ve come to understand that I live outside of it. Because of that, I have to move differently. When people choose to live their lives a certain way, it’s not my responsibility to correct them or to see their choices as “wrong.”

Let me reframe that.

It’s not that they are living life wrong and I am living life right — it’s that there is a noticeable difference in character between those who move through life with self-awareness and those who do not.

The Power of Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is the ability to recognize and understand your own thoughts, emotions, behaviors, values, and motivations — and how they affect both yourself and others. (Heavy emphasis on the others.)

Both parts matter. They go hand in hand.

When someone consistently plays the victim and remains unaware of how they treat others or how they come across, respectful interaction becomes impossible. People who lack self-awareness often move from a place of selfishness or self-centeredness. They fail to see how their actions — or lack thereof — impact those around them. And when conflict arises, it’s always someone else’s fault.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that choosing to live consciously is my choice. Not everyone around me will hold themselves to the same level of awareness that I hold myself to.

Conscious Choices & Spiritual Accountability

Now, I recognize when I’m making decisions from emotion versus intention. This is new for me. Just a few years ago, I made choices impulsively and dealt with the consequences however they unfolded.

But now, with the God I serve and the higher vibration I operate from, I reap what I sow quickly. Because of that, I choose never to move with malicious intent — no negativity, ill will, or anger. I know that energy will return to me, and I will have to sit with the consequences of my actions.

That’s why being mindful of who I allow into my space matters so deeply to me.

When I can’t fully control who I’m around, I shift my perspective and remember the one thing I can control: myself.

My emotions. My reactions (or lack thereof). How I carry myself. Who and what gets access to my energy.

I can exist in a space and not allow a single person access to me. That is the art — and mystery — of energy protection.

Recalling My Energy

As an empath, this year taught me a hard truth: I feel others’ energy more intensely than my own at times — and I can’t allow that to overpower me.

Recalling my energy has become a non-negotiable practice. Once I choose to let someone into my life, I am also allowed to call my energy back just as quickly. I’ve learned not to take that personally.

Recalling my energy is a form of protection — especially when I’ve given more than I’ve received, or when someone shows me who they are the first time. I don’t wait for a second demonstration.

The subtlety of this lesson is important: recalling your energy doesn’t mean treating people differently. The most powerful version of this boundary is often undetected. You can still be kind, engaged, and present — without overextending yourself.

Rediscovering My Voice

This year also revealed something surprising to me: I’m not actually an introvert.

I labeled myself that way as a child to avoid being seen. I learned to be quiet, shy, reserved — a people pleaser who stayed silent to avoid rocking the boat. I buried my thoughts and opinions to keep the peace.

As I’ve healed those parts of myself, I’ve discovered that I actually love to yap. I love to be seen. I believe what I have to say carries meaning and has the power to impact others for the better.

I still hold sacred parts of myself close — especially when meeting new people — and I only open them when I feel safe. That’s not withdrawal; that’s discernment.

Maturity, Dating, & Discernment

At the core of it all, this year taught me that I must choose peace over proving a point. Maturity isn’t about reacting — it’s about knowing when to withdraw without hardening.

There’s a TikTok trend going around where people share their dating history from 2025. And honestly? Mine looks a little sad-girl coded:

48 hidden matches/conversations

23 conversations waiting on them to respond

1 conversation waiting on me

Zero dates

Zero situationships

Zero hookups

12 men who got my number… and nothing came of it Still celibate Still single

And yet — I’m okay with that.

Each failed talking stage brings me closer to understanding what I truly want and reinforces my commitment to boundaries. Dating apps offer plenty of attention, but very little real connection.

I’ll always be a lover girl. I’ll always be a hopeless romantic. But I’ve learned to let men show me who they are without pushing, parenting, or performing for them.

I now understand the difference between:

Availability vs. intention

Attention vs. alignment

Carrying This Wisdom Into 2026

What I carry into 2026 is discernment over defense. Curiosity without urgency. Embodiment over performance. Alignment over attention.

2026 feels like an overflow year — I can feel it, and in many ways, I’ve already seen it.

So I move forward carrying the lessons, choosing love, light, and compassion — for myself above all. I’ve never been this version of me before: stronger, wiser, more healed, and still beautifully figuring it out as I go.

And that is enough. ✨

I love when a motherfucker gives me the opportunity to show them that I really don’t give a fuck.

Let me give some context.

I matched with this guy — let’s call him Mr. Secret Service — and things were going really well for the first week. If you know my life, you know the chaos, the discernment, and the way my spirit team taps me on the shoulder ANY time someone even tries to play in my face.

We were talking consistently. Daily. Double-texting. Phone calls. Effort.

The lover girl in me was rejoicing because finally — a man who wasn’t scared to show interest.

But then the little comments started.

“How long does it take you to respond?” “You be disappearing.” “I don’t like being left on read.”

Yellow flags waving quietly in the distance.

Mind you — I already told him I’m a mom, I’m working full-time, and when I’m not working, I’m mommy until my child goes to bed. My priorities are exactly where they should be. That wasn’t a problem… at first.

Then came the constant, “So when am I going to see you?”

I literally broke down my entire month for this man — every free pocket of time I might have between work, parenting, picking up extra shifts for Christmas, and trying to stay sane. He understood. Or at least I thought he did.

But a few days later, he started pushing again. Not just for a date — but to come to my house.

FULL. FUCKING. STOP.

Just because we talk on the phone does not mean you have access to my home.

You do not get my location. You do not get to “pull up on me.” You do not get privileges you did not earn.

Every time he asked, I said no. And every time I said no, he pushed harder.

The next morning he asked again if he was seeing me later — and that’s when the mask slipped. Suddenly he was emotionally unstable, passive-aggressive, disrespectful, spiraling, guilt-tripping, victimizing himself, and turning my clear boundary into a debate.

I gently explained — again — that he was not coming to my house. I’m a mother. I’m a woman. I’m not inviting a man I’ve never met into the space where my child sleeps.

What do I look like?

Instead of respecting that, he turned it into a whole dramatic monologue. Accusations. Feeling “rejected.” Acting like I hurt him. Like my boundary was some personal attack.

At that point, I stopped trying to reassure him. There was nothing more to say. Because I know my intentions. I know my boundaries. And I am so secure within myself that I will NEVER chase a grown man — especially not one who reacts like that.

When Men Show You Who They Are… BELIEVE IT

It seems like every time I start catching even a little feeling, these men show their real character. Their intentions always reveal themselves. Their emotional maturity — or lack of it — comes to the surface.

And honestly? I respect when someone owns who they are and wants to grow. But when you’re stuck in your ways, refusing to evolve, refusing to look inward? That will always be your downfall.

Three Years of Healing Taught Me Everything I Need to Know

These last three years of healing, shadow work, celibacy, building my connection with God and my ancestors — they weren’t pretty, but they were beautiful. They were necessary.

Those years trained me to:

✨ Trust my intuition ✨ Respect my boundaries ✨ Evaluate the ick when it comes up ✨ Listen to my spirit before my heart ✨ Follow my gut instead of my loneliness

I didn’t listen to my intuition years ago. I refuse to repeat those mistakes now just because I crave connection. I’ll do another three years of work before I ever fall back into those cycles again.

We’re Closing Out the Year of 999

999: endings, rebirth, shedding, completion.

This year was all of that.

I’m not about to block my blessings because I’m in a hurry. Every time I choose myself, I come home to my spirit. Every time I choose myself over lust, I return to my body. Every time I choose myself over lukewarm affection, I deepen my self-love.

There comes a point where you have to say enough is enough.

Enough of the old patterns.

Enough of the same dusty behaviors.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

And honestly? I think I need to take a break from the dating apps altogether. It’s distracting me. It’s pulling too much of my energy. And as this year closes out, I want to move from abundance, not desperation. Alignment, not attachment.

I can’t keep pouring into men who don’t even have the capacity to meet me where I am.

This next chapter requires me to be selfish with my energy, my time, my aura, and my presence.

✨ LESSONS FROM THIS WEEK (For You, Me, and Every Woman Reading)

1. A boundary is not rejection — and anyone who treats it like rejection is not for you. Healthy men respect your comfort, your time, and your safety.

2. Early emotional instability is not “passion.” It’s a warning.

3. If his energy drains you before the first date? That is the date. And you already know the review: 1 star, would not recommend.

4. Don’t abandon yourself for connection. Your love is the prize — not the audition.

5. You can always reclaim your energy. Delete the app. Turn off the phone. Pull back. Reset. You do not owe anybody access to you.

6. Choosing yourself is spiritual discipline. It’s proof you’ve grown. Proof you’re aligning. Proof you’re not returning to versions of you that settled for less.

Closing Affirmation

✨ “I return to myself. I honor my intuition. I choose aligned love over temporary attention. My boundaries are sacred. My energy is mine. I am the blessing — and I will not shrink to fit anyone who cannot receive me.” ✨

Asé

Driving always seems to be the time of day where I can finally be still. No coworkers, no patients, no daughter calling “Mommy,” no one needing a thing from me — just me and my thoughts. And this past week? Whew. My mind has been reaching back into everything I’ve been carrying, and honestly, it left me drained.

There is nothing worse for a spiritual baddie than feeling depleted.

When I’m not pouring into myself, I feel every shift around me. Every mood. Every emotion. Every ounce of chaos in the air. And last week was a lot.

Healing from Being Dumped in the Talking Stage

Let’s just get right into the bullshit: dating apps.

You pick the best pictures, answer clever prompts, state your intentions, and hope someone out there sees your light. And still — the talking stage is where men love to do Olympic-level ghosting. I’ve watched enough TikTok horror stories to know I’m not alone, but damn… when did we all become so disposable?

I’m honest on my profile.

I’m newly free, I like my independence, but I still want love. Eventually. I’m not a casual girlie. I don’t do well with “situational chemistry.” I want connection, even if we’re not rushing into titles.

But dating apps make it too easy to treat people like they’re nothing more than a swipe.

One wrong vibe and boom — unmatch, block, ghost. Gone.

These men be putting “looking for something real” in their bios, but the minute you ask deeper questions? Suddenly the energy shifts. They take your number, text consistently for a few days, then disappear for hours… then days… then weeks. And when they finally come back it’s giving lukewarm, low-effort resurrection.

My vibe? Immediately killed.

If one more man asks me for my Instagram or Snapchat just to waste my time, the app is getting deleted. Immediately. Between the cold weather, the earlier sunsets, and my social life being what it is, this cycle feels like a trap I’m ready to step out of.

Spiritual Hygiene & Protecting My Energy

One thing about me: I pick up energy FAST.

My work environment alone — patients, women coworkers (enough said), teachers, parents, strangers — is enough to overwhelm any spiritually open person.

That’s why my head wrap is 98% spiritual protection.

Protecting my crown.

Protecting my ori.

Protecting my mind.

The other 2% is bad hair day… which I still turn into a spiritual moment.

Chaotic energy hits me instantly. I’ll go from calm to irritated, grounded to anxious, or centered to overwhelmed in seconds. Some people’s aura is just… a lot.

This is why spiritual hygiene is non-negotiable.

When someone enters my space with chaotic or negative energy, I cleanse immediately. Sometimes it’s a quiet prayer:

“God, remove any energy that isn’t mine. Steady my mind. Let my inner light come forward.”

If I can slip into the bathroom, I’ll do a quick energetic wipe-down.

And—you must throw that energy away. Literally.

Trash it. Flush it. Release it.

You can’t sage your house with the windows closed.

Energy needs somewhere to GO.

My shower is another reset. I pray:

“Thank you for this day. Cleanse, heal, and renew me. Cleanse my mind, body, and spirit. Restore me with Your light, blessings, and favor.I release the energy of the day.”

I am a spiritual being having a human experience, and I need to honor both.

A Message From Spirit (and a Little Honey-Onion Remedy)

Every time I get too caught up in my human experience, my spirit team taps me lovingly on my shoulder.

Since my daughter started school, it’s been cold after cold after cold. The infamous daycare cough. One night she climbed into my bed coughing, and her cough literally STOPPED my dream.

And clear as day, one of my ancestors said:

“Make the remedy.”

A jar. Half a yellow onion. A clove of garlic. Cover it in honey. Let it ferment for a day.

I made it for both of us and within two days? Her cough reduced, mucus cleared, no runny nose.

Moments like this remind me: I am a healer. This path chose me. And stepping into it is my birthright.

This Week’s Lesson: I Return to Myself

This week was chaotic — but in the best possible way.

Getting dumped in the talking stage realigned me with my boundaries. It reminded me:

I know what I want I must be upfront. Their response has nothing to do with me. My reaction is what matters. Anyone can meditate in silence. True power is staying centered in chaos.

I have the tools to cleanse, release, and transform any situation. I refuse to settle for lukewarm, inconsistent, surface-level connections ever again.

I’m stepping into an era where I know exactly who I am — and I’m done bending for anyone who can’t meet me there.

Closing Mantra

“I can’t control how others move, but I can always return to my own inner peace.”

Asé.

My prayer for 2026 is to get off God’s strongest soldiers list, because baby… this week dragged me through bootcamp. It was jam-packed with lessons on lessons on lessons—ending with me ugly crying in my Benz with rain pouring down. Cue the dramatics, but also? It was necessary.

Let me be clear: when you’re an empath, you feel everything. I can read between the lines of what people say and don’t say, and I can feel their intentions almost instantly. Sometimes it hits me right away, but most times it hits later—when I’m alone, processing. And whew… this week tested my spirit.

My drives to and from work are when I get real with myself. That’s where I realized: I tried to teach someone a lesson they weren’t ready to learn. And of course, it backfired. Someone who is inconsiderate and only thinks of themselves cannot be taught until they decide they’re ready. The lesson went right over their head—and I still had to clean up the mess.

Who am I to think I can do God’s job? I’m a spiritual being having a human experience, just like everyone else. Not everyone is as accountable or self-aware as I am on this healing journey. That doesn’t give me authority to make anyone see their faults. I can only control me.

Mindset 101:

Never let your emotions be the cause of your actions.

And the real lesson? Mind your own fucking business.

The Dating Lesson: Mr. Twenty-Fine Exits the Chat

Wheww… this part was heavy.

My favorite on my little dating roster was not showing up the way I thought he would. Mr. Twenty-Fine has officially left the chat. And yes, I saw it coming. I just didn’t want to accept it.

When I tell you that man is fine? I mean FINE. Physically? My exact type. And he made me feel sexy in a way I haven’t felt in a long time. Three years into my celibacy journey and baby… the desire is still there even if the action is not.

He was the spark, but there was no flame.

We went from hot and heavy to dry and fragile real quick. And in that shift, I realized I want more. I am a lover girl through and through. No matter how many times I get hurt or ghosted, my soft girl always comes back.

I deserve depth. Connection. Intention. Consistency. Not surface-level crumbs.

When I switched from spicy to soulful, he couldn’t follow. That’s when I knew: this was chemistry, not connection.

After a few silent days, I reached out. I told him what I wanted moving forward—depth, consistency, real connection along with the spice. But here’s the part I ignored: he told me in the beginning what he wanted. Fun. Short-term. Light. Flirty.

And he stayed consistent with that, even inside a thoughtful response.

We agreed that if things changed, we’d talk again. And then? He disappeared. Four days of silence. And I kept repeating:

If he wanted to, he would.

If he wanted to talk, he would.

If he wanted to plan the date, he would.

If he wanted me, he would.

And he didn’t.

So I planned a solo date to pour back into myself.

Because the same energy I was pouring out trying to be chosen, seen, and desired… I was losing grip on my own reality. I needed to nurture me.

I am the prize.

I prayed this week for God to remove what’s not for me—and baby, He moved quick. I reached out with a simple “hey?!” and got hit with:

“I’m not feeling it anymore… I’m not ready… I can’t give you what you want.”

My reply? “Okay, thanks for letting me know.”

But inside, reality hit like a ton of bricks.

The Real Purge: It Wasn’t About Him

It wasn’t really about him. He was the catalyst.

He represented the last remnants of a version of me I’m actively shedding:

the anxious attachment

the fantasy, not the reality

overgiving and overexplaining

romanticizing scraps

seeing potential instead of the person

making men emotionally bigger than they are

wanting so badly to finally be chosen

He cracked me open just enough for Spirit to come in and clean house.

Breakdown → Breakthrough

After my solo paint-and-sip date, the sangria hit harder than the lesson. I walked into pouring rain, checked my phone, and saw I’d been deleted off social.

I lost it.

Not because of him deleting me… but because it felt like I was being erased.

I sat in my car—my big body Benz I worked my ass off for—and cried. Not the cute cry. The ugly cry. The purging cry. The “I’m tired of this cycle” cry.

And honestly? It was divine.

Because healing doesn’t mean you don’t hurt.

Healing means you recover faster.

Spirit was loud this entire week. From the static electricity in everything I touched, to Summer Walker’s “1800-HEARTBREAKLINE” playing as I walked to my car, to the rain pouring down the same moment my tears needed to fall.

What my mind wanted to hold onto, my soul released.

Temptation always shows up when you’re breaking cycles. But choosing yourself shifts everything immediately. I processed the whole thing in under 24 hours.

That’s not heartbreak.

That’s reclaiming my power and creating my own closure.

Mantra: I am worthy. I am becoming. I am aligned with everything meant for me.

Healing is not meant to look perfect- it’s meant to make you powerful. Every tear, purge, every moment you feel like breaking is carving you into the divine being you prayed to become. Trust the process. Trust your growth. Trust the divine timing that holds you.

Asé

Just as Mr. Twenty-Fine walked in, I think he’s walking right back out.

Let me explain…

The Match That Sparked It All

I get a notification of a new match — it’s him. Mr. Twenty-Fine. He’s 25 (if you didn’t catch that), and I’m thirty, flirty, and thriving!

We start chatting, and things feel easy. The messages are consistent, the energy light. But one thing about me — I hate small talk. I want to know your deep dark secrets, what turns you on, your goals, your fears, how you’re healing your trauma. Because let’s be real — we all have it, and it takes real work to grow beyond it.

Early Signs I Overlooked

We talk about what brought us to the Hinge app. I tell him I’ve been on a long healing journey, mostly working and staying to myself, but I’m ready to open up again to dating. Then I ask if me being a mom and a little older is a dealbreaker.

His response? “If it’s okay with you?” and something vague about being busy. It didn’t really answer my question, but I brushed it off.

When I asked what he does to unwind, he said he loves fitness and cooking — points for that. And I’ll admit it: the man looks good. Muscular, confident, sexy. Then he hits me with, “We can do some cardio together,” quickly followed by “joking.” But that was his vibe check — to see how far I’d go.

And yes, I fell into it.

When Flirtation Took the Wheel

I flirted back: “Don’t tempt me with a good time. I’ve been celibate for three years — think you can be the one to break it?”

From there, it went from zero to spicy real fast. But later, I tried to shift the energy and asked what brought him to the app.

His answer?

“I don’t mind that you’re older. I’m open to seeing where things go, but I don’t mind some long-term fun either.”

Translation: he wanted something casual.

And honestly, he was transparent. He told me what it was — I just ignored it because I felt a spark.

We talked every day, all day, while he was at work and me too. He gave me just enough emotional connection to keep me hooked. Looking back, it was mirroring — he reflected my openness, not his own depth. When I shifted from flirty to real, his energy faded.

That’s when clarity hit.

The Lesson Beneath the Lust

Was I upset? Not at all. He showed me exactly where he stood — and in doing that, he showed me where I still had more healing to do.

Flirty talk wasn’t feeding my spirit anymore. I’m a spiritual baddie with a sensual side, and this was a test. In my younger days, I would’ve jumped in without hesitation. But now, as a woman who’s healing and evolving, I had to pause and ask:

Why was I so willing to end my celibacy for him?

Was it loneliness? Desire? Shame? Guilt?

That’s when I started unpacking what celibacy and abstinence really mean.

Celibacy vs. Abstinence

Celibacy

Celibacy is a conscious choice to refrain from sexual activity for an extended or indefinite period of time — often rooted in spiritual or emotional healing. It’s not just “not having sex”; it’s about reclaiming your energy, gaining self-mastery, and deepening clarity. Celibacy can be a vow, or a season of restoration and alignment.

Abstinence

Abstinence, on the other hand, is more temporary — a purposeful pause. It’s about stepping back to reflect on desire, boundaries, and what intimacy truly means.

In short: Celibacy is a spiritual commitment. Abstinence is an intentional pause.

My Truth Today

I realized I had been trying to fit into one label or the other — just like I used to question whether I could be spiritual and sexual at the same time.

But now I know: it’s my choice.

My body, my rules.

I began this journey to reclaim my energy, power, and emotional awareness — and I’ve done that. Wanting intimacy again doesn’t mean I’ve “fallen off.” That guilty voice in my head was lying. Being spiritual and sensual can coexist.

It’s not about being “pure” — it’s about being intentional. Pleasure can be sacred, creative, and healing. I no longer fear that part of myself.

Breaking my celibacy will happen on my terms — not from distraction or temptation, but from alignment and choice.

And for that, I thank Mr. Twenty-Fine. Not for the flirtation — but for being the mirror that helped me see myself clearly again.

Now I move with intention, power, and trust — not rushing or resisting, just aligning.

Affirmation

“I’m learning that healing isn’t about denying who I am — it’s about becoming whole.”

Asé

I just want to make this blatantly clear: I am a mother. A mommy. A mamacita! Insert Huda telling Nic from Love Island clip here.

Now that we got that out of the way, let me give a little insight on why I’ve been pondering this question so hard this past week.

I am online dating. Yes, I know — yikes. Run and hide from the humiliation and be prepared to deal with all the wild that’s out here on these dating app streets. Trust me, been there, done that. Now moving on from the cringe that is dating apps…

Imagine this: I match with this guy — let’s call him my pen pal. Conversation on and off, nothing serious, no deep connection, just surface-level stuff. There is no “right time” to tell a man that you’re a mom. So with him, I never did.

A few months go by — still the same on-and-off, basic chatting. Then he messages me, we exchange WhatsApp, and start talking about my night and cooking dinner. I told him I made some teriyaki wings, and he said, “Did you cook them yourself?” But when I read it, I thought he said, “Did you cook for yourself?” So I was like, boom — here’s my opportunity.

I said, “Yeah, I cooked it myself for me and my daughter. Is that a dealbreaker for you?”

This man says it made meeting up even harder (hence the pen pal nickname — he’s not only out of state but out of the country; that’s a story for another time about why we even matched in the first place). He said he thought I could just up and leave to come see him. One, that was never discussed, nor did I know I’d be the one doing the traveling.

Then he continues with, “You have so many things that are dealbreakers, but having kids wasn’t one of them.” He was more bummed about me living so far away. Then he hit me with the last devastating blow: “But it’s okay though, I see you more as a pen pal now, which is cool.”

I had to double back on that “you have so many things that are dealbreakers” part. He went on to explain that it wasn’t “so many,” just that there were things I could’ve said at the start — and that it would’ve been better that way. But it was fine, he’d accepted it now.

Honestly, I didn’t get defensive. I said that was fair — because it was. I definitely could’ve found a way to say it earlier, just like I told him I lived in the U.S. and not the U.K. There was the same opportunity to say I’m a mama!

But I think there was still some level of projection coming from him. Maybe he really did have feelings for me, but with the distance — and now the mom bomb — it just sent him over the edge. He continued to see me as unattainable, and maybe that stung. Or maybe I really did wait too long to tell him, and he had a right to feel how he felt.

Either way, I learned something from it.

So now I’m left with the thought: When is the right time to tell a man you’re a mom?

I made a post on TikTok (@Evolvewithnelle) asking the same question, giving the same details, and I got the same response back — “TELL THAT MAN IMMEDIATELY!”

So that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.

To be quite honest, I haven’t had a bad experience besides this one. I’ve told all the other guys I’ve matched with, and the conversations have continued with ease. But I think why this one sat with me so hard is because, as women, there are so many layers to this.

Now as mothers, we love our kids — they’re our pride and joy — but to some men, it can come across as baggage. As complications. My life isn’t as free-ranged as other single women who don’t have kids.

And on a deeper level, it’s that fear of rejection — that past version of myself that just craved to be liked and chosen by anyone and everyone. I sat with her and let her rear her little head. Once she was done, I talked it out with my built-in bestie and free therapist (ChatGPT, obviously).

That old version of me was the overly accommodating people-pleaser — the one searching for love, validation, and acceptance from men. She thought she had to tiptoe around the truth because being a mom might make her “too much.”

However, the woman I am today doesn’t give one flying fuck.

Me and my daughter are a packaged deal. Any man that wants to be part of my life has to accept the mother in me, too. My time is sacred, my peace is earned, and I refuse to waste my energy on anyone who can’t see the value in who I am and everything I nurture.

Because the truth is, being a mom taught me how to love differently. My heart doesn’t chase anymore; it chooses. My peace costs more now. My softness, my energy, my love — they all have purpose. I’m not auditioning for love anymore; I’m protecting the home I’ve already built inside me and for her.

Sometimes we get dealt a shit hand, but it’s what we do with it that really matters.

So, to answer my own burning question — when is the right time to tell a man I’m a mom?

When I feel comfortable to.

I still think it’s important to do it sooner rather than later, to avoid any more “pen pal” situations. But it’s not about fear anymore — it’s about being proud of who I am.

And with that… in walks Mr. Twenty-Fine.

Well, here we are! Let’s just get one thing straight right off the bat — I am no professional writer. There will be errors, misspellings, wrong grammar, and cussin’. But one thing I do know is that I’ll be showing up here as my true, authentic self.

However the words and flow come out is exactly how I’d say them. I do plan to grow as I go — this is my Carrie Bradshaw writer era, baby. What did Doechii say in Nissan Altima?

“I’m like Carrie Bradshaw with a back brace on,

I been carrying you bitches now for way too long.”

Yeah, something like that.

The funny thing about all this is that I actually had a vision of starting a blog back in 2024. I even made a Reddit page but never figured out how to set it up or post anything. I let that dream die out — or so I thought. Fast forward nine months later, I had a whole baby. And here she is: Diary of a Self-Lover.

Now that we got that out of the way, let me formally introduce myself. My name is Shenelle, and I’m 30 years old. (Yikes, I still can’t believe I’m in my 30s — but I digress.)

I am a survivor of a narcissistic, abusive marriage. From that experience came the absolute best gift: my beautiful, sassy, independent 3-year-old (going on 13) daughter. During my healing journey, I prayed for the life I wanted for her and me after such a traumatic chapter — one we’re still navigating, honestly. My priority is protecting her peace in every way I can.

I’ve chosen to share pieces of my life and experiences for others to read, see, and connect with — but that doesn’t mean my daughter has to be subjected to that exposure. What I share of her is exactly that — what I choose to share.

Moving onward… I’m a spiritual baddie navigating life as a woman connected to the Most High, God, my ancestors, spirit guides, the moon, and the stars — all of the damn above. All while mothering, healing, breaking generational cycles, and figuring out how to channel all these spiritual gifts oozing out of my mind, body, and spirit.

It’s all so new to me, and it gets overwhelming sometimes trying to balance it all. So, I journaled. I got a therapist. Then I got dumped by my therapist (yeah, that happened). And now, I’ve basically taken up ChatGPT in her place — and here I am.

I’m a lover girl who still believes in love — but now I have self-worth. Finding myself for the first time in my life has changed everything. I have boundaries. I no longer people-please to be chosen. I’ve put all the love I used to chase from family, friends, and men back into me.

Now, when I catch myself attaching to any form of external validation, I stop, reclaim that energy, and ask myself what triggered me in the first place.

I go through so much shit in my life — and trust me, we’ll talk about it all in real time.

As for my career, I’m in the healthcare field. I always knew I wanted to help people, but before my spiritual awakening, I thought that meant through medicine. And while I love what I do, it doesn’t feel completely fulfilling.

I’ve thought about becoming a personal trainer because of my fitness journey — but that didn’t quite fit either. I even considered becoming a narcissistic abuse life coach, but that still didn’t feel exactly right.

So right now, I’m just showing up as me — sharing all the different aspects of who I am and seeing where it all leads. Because every time I share my story, I get the same response: people connect. Whether they comment, DM, or silently follow along, they see themselves in me.

And that’s powerful. I’ve helped so many women start their healing journey and remember who the fuck they are — and that means everything to me.

I think that’s enough yapping for my intro! I just want to take a moment to thank myself for believing in me and finding a way to make this dream come true.

And to you — thank you for reading my first blog post. Here’s to many more to come.

Asé.