In the Trenches of My Own Mind
Y’all, I am in the trenches of my own mind right now. And sometimes I really hate that I feel so much and so deeply. Like, I know I am so far gone on my path of walking in my purpose because there is no way I went my entire life not feeling this energy, this transfer with each interaction I was having. Because I can read a person down. It’s definitely more intense in person, but the fact that I can do it through the phone now is insane to me.
But what I really want to talk about is this: even though I am on my healing journey, it’s just that, a journey. A conscious choice, daily, to live and walk in that power. So I’m going to be open, honest, and transparent about where I am emotionally and physically in my healing journey. I’m still repeating cycles and even creating new toxic ones that I now have to work toward healing, so I don’t bring that energy into the future relationships and unions that I have.
Deleting the Apps and Why
I deleted all the dating apps I was on. It was only two, but it was two too many. I really am a lover girl and I hate having a roster. I hate the same small talk, circular conversations with multiple men and keeping up with all of them. There were definitely dry spells, but then there would be rushes. Y’all remember when I posted my notifications from Hinge? I had over 50 new likes and I just didn’t know what to do with myself.
I was upfront about what I was looking for: deeper, more meaningful connections, taking the time to get to know each other, seeing if our values, goals, dreams, and energy aligned. But I feel like dating apps can be breeding grounds for people to take the information you provide about what you’re looking for and use it to manipulate you. To crumb you into thinking they are what you need. I had one too many lessons like that. And now that I’m not dating out of loneliness, desperation, or boredom, I was finally able to see the game being played.
I even had a few like Mr. Twenty-Fine, y’all remember him lmao. What a time. Anyways, he knew he couldn’t rise to the level of intimacy I was seeking and he let me know that and exited the chat. Yeah, it hurt my feelings, but guess what, I moved on. That’s honestly the best thing I can say looking back. He had the hard conversation with me, and instead of playing games, he said what needed to be said and we ended things with our peace intact. I definitely evolved since then, but not enough to avoid the biggest lesson that came months after.
So Let’s Get Into the Tea
I met someone. Things started off really well. He said all the right things, we had great energy, and for a moment it felt like it could actually be something real. Without getting too deep into the details, when we were together things felt good. But I’m a spiritual baddie, y’all know this, and there were things I could feel about where he was emotionally that I chose to overlook because I wanted it to work.
That right there was my first mistake.
Spirituality definitely saved me. But I don’t just post motivational quotes and pray and then still walk through life as an unhealed person, numb, pretending to be okay and mirroring back to people what they want to see. I used to do that. I used to be a hardcore people pleaser who would abandon myself at every turn just to keep whoever I wanted happy, usually my parents, friends, and lovers. But it took hitting rock bottom, with literally nowhere else to go, for me to make a choice about how I wanted to live and how I was going to change.
I will never stop saying how much my daughter saved my life. Because I had her, I could no longer abandon myself, because that would mean abandoning her. She was the first person I ever loved more than I loved myself or anyone else. She is unconditional love. She needed me, and I needed to find myself, even if it was for the first time, because she deserved a mother who was trying. Not perfect, but present, clearheaded, and there.
Two Months of the Bare Minimum
This guy played with me and I allowed it for two whole months. I got the most bare minimum out of him. The deeper conversations stopped. The messages got fewer, the response time got longer and longer in between. And as a single mom working two jobs, when I have a free weekend and I’m telling you I want to see you and all I’m getting is excuses and deflections, that should have been the closing factor. But I kept trying to see the best in people, kept giving the benefit of the doubt.
What really kept me in the loop was the breadcrumbing, the mirroring of my goals and dreams, the future faking, and that dopamine hit I would feel when he finally decided to reach out. The inconsistency was doing something to me and I didn’t fully realize it until I was already deep in it. And when the truth finally came out, it confirmed everything I had already felt but talked myself out of trusting.
I say all of this not to air anyone out, but to turn it around and evaluate myself, what this experience did to me, and how it’s affecting me now.
Being Self Aware Doesn’t Automatically Break the Pattern
It just means you can see it while it’s happening. So it’s like, I know better, but I still wasn’t doing better. Why am I here? Why am I allowing this? How did I get back here? I started asking myself these questions. But even that wasn’t enough. It took the full truth coming to light for something to finally shift.
Here’s what that cycle actually did to my nervous system:
The inconsistency made me hyper aware of every little thing. The hot and cold energy made me seek clarity and then closure. His emotional unavailability made me overextend myself trying to understand him. The lack of communication had me checking, waiting, and analyzing just trying to figure out what was going on.
Yeah. Me. Miss self aware, love and light, knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to walk away. Still got caught in it. But here’s what I realized: it’s not just about knowing the pattern. It’s about what you do the moment you recognize it. I kept trying to reframe my approach. “Maybe if I communicate more clearly. Maybe if I don’t have expectations. Maybe if I just stay chill, it’ll turn out differently.” But the type of person hadn’t changed, so how could the outcome?
How I’m Choosing to Break the Cycle
First and foremost, listen to my intuition. When I know something is wrong, I feel it. And instead of stuffing it down, I’m going to let it flow and move accordingly, not against it.
Along with that, I’m following these for myself going forward:
The first sign of inconsistency, I pull back. Not lean in.
The first feeling of confusion, I observe. Not fix.
The first lack of effort, I disengage.
The key is catching it before I attach, before I over explain, before I talk myself into staying.
This is growth. This is all a part of the process, regardless of how painful the process can be.
Old patterns: unconscious and fully in it.
Current phase: conscious and still participating.
Next phase: conscious and choosing differently.
I’m in the middle of it and it feels messy and like I’m not really progressing. But I am. At my own pace, still learning what I need to. It took me two years with my daughter’s father. This guy, two months. The next one that tries it is getting left on sight, lol.
Closing This Chapter
All jokes aside, it really does hurt that this is such a slow and painful process. But I know that everything I go through and experience is for my greater good. I’m blessed to be in a position where I can talk about it, analyze it, and use it. Because if the next one comes along and tries it, the cycle will not repeat itself.
I’m not in a place where I need anything from anyone. So when I choose to show interest and pursue someone, it’s because I genuinely see the light in them, even when they don’t. But it will not be my job to get you to see the light within yourself while you break me down. I have worked way too hard to get to this point in my healing journey to allow anyone to take me off my path. But best believe I will get the lesson and I will move on, even if it takes me a little time.
There also needs to be some accountability for grown adults who haven’t learned to communicate what they want and don’t want from another person. It’s okay to say you’re not the one. But then again, I can’t control that. What I can control is seeing the signs and moving accordingly. People don’t owe us anything, even if that anything is basic human decency. And that’s the part I’m still making peace with.
I see the pattern. I survived the lesson. And I’m still choosing myself, even when it’s hard.
✨I trust what I feel the first time. I do not chase clarity where there is confusion. I choose peace over potential, consistency over chemistry, and myself every single time. ✨
Diary of a Self- Lover 
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