The Space Between Survival and Purpose

Feeling Lost While Doing Everything Right

I have been feeling all types of emotions this past week and honestly I do not even know what is going on with me. I cannot be the only one who feels this emotionally drained. Is it still retrograde? Is this blood moon throwing everyone else for a loop too, or is it just me?

Recently I reconnected with an old friend and he really brought back flashbacks of 2019 Shenelle. The version of me before I left for Washington. The girl running around Boston with no real sense of direction, just searching for validation, attention, and someone to truly see me.

Before I left, he told me something that did not stick with me until now. He said that I could not outrun my problems and that they would follow me wherever I went. Of course I responded the way someone who lacked self awareness would. I told him I was not running away from anything and that I was simply leaving for a better opportunity.

While that was technically true, I can admit now that I really was running away.

I was running away from my family. Running away from routines and structure that I had grown bored of. But most importantly, I was running away from myself.

At that time I lived alone and I was not a mother yet. All I had was myself and honestly I hated it. I hated being alone. I felt lost, asleep, and completely unaware of who I was or what I truly wanted out of life.

Doing Everything Right But Still Feeling Empty

Looking back, I was technically doing everything right on paper.

I went straight into ultrasound school after high school. I graduated with my bachelor’s degree and started working in healthcare at twenty one years old. I had no kids. I had my own apartment, my own car, paid all of my own bills, and still helped provide for my family when they needed it.

I had a social life. I went out, partied, and enjoyed my twenties.

But I still was not happy.

I still did not know what my purpose was.

So I packed up and left, thinking that a new place would magically fix everything.

It did not.

Shocker, right?

The Hustle That Never Ends

Now here I am years later and sometimes it feels like I have fallen back into that same cycle.

I worked so hard to move out of my parents’ house. I have my own place, a new car, and I am working more than sixty hours every other week. I am pushing my body through stress and exhaustion just to keep everything afloat.

And sometimes I have to ask myself, for what?

Yes, I want to provide a stable and comfortable life for myself and my daughter. That matters deeply to me. But at what point does this hustle culture end?

At what point does the constant cycle of work, bills, responsibilities, and exhaustion finally slow down?

I find myself asking that question more and more.

I moved down to the Cape for an opportunity at the hospital where I work so that I could learn another registry and advance in my field. I am approaching almost ten years in healthcare and yet I still feel this quiet voice inside of me asking if this is really where I am meant to be.

Because if I am being honest, I do not feel fulfilled.

The Career I Chose Versus The Calling I Feel

If you have kept up with my blog, one of my earlier posts talked about why I chose healthcare in the first place.

Growing up, like many Caribbean immigrant parents, mine told me that careers like teaching, psychology, or therapy would never make me enough money. They told me I would end up stuck living at home if I chose those paths. So they encouraged me to go into the medical field.

Healthcare had job security. It helped people. It paid well.

I knew I wanted to help people. I just did not know in what capacity. So after having an ultrasound done on my heart in high school, I decided to pursue ultrasound.

And the rest is history.

I am grateful for my career. The growth, the stability, the life it has allowed me to build, and the patients I get to care for every day are things I will never take for granted.

But somewhere along the way, that choice also left a quiet empty space inside of me.

A space that wonders about my true calling and my deeper passions.

The Fear of Walking in Purpose

When I ignore that feeling, I go through cycles.

I work harder. I stay busy. I numb the discomfort.

Eventually the breakdown comes and I have to face the truth again.

Sometimes I step into the things that feel aligned with my purpose. When I do, I feel the energy and the joy that comes with it.

But then the doubt creeps in.

I start questioning whether I can really build a life around what I feel called to do, especially in a world filled with social media, content creators, and everyone trying to sell a lifestyle.

I am very big on practicing what I preach. So if I do not feel like I am fully living in my purpose, how can I expect anyone to listen to what I have to say and allow it to impact their lives?

Here is the truth.

I actually think I already know what my purpose is.

And maybe the real issue is imposter syndrome, self sabotage, and plain old fear of the unknown.

Maybe part of me believes I am too deep into the rat race to pivot now.

Craving Time, Stillness, and Intention

I know there are people who work their nine to five jobs while slowly building their businesses and dreams on the side. This blog itself is part of that bigger vision.

But what I truly crave in life is time.

I find joy in slow and intentional mornings. Waking up early to pray, meditate, journal, read my Bible, and work out before my daughter wakes up. Having breakfast together and starting our day peacefully.

That rhythm feels good to my soul.

What does not feel good is the constant rushing.

Waking up late. Rushing to get dressed. Rushing my daughter to school. Working all day. Rushing to pick her up. Bedtime routines. Then rushing to go to sleep so we can do it all over again the next day.

It feels overwhelming.

I crave stillness. I crave slow, intentional time.

Time to cook nourishing meals. Time to make fresh juices when I want to. Time to sit in the sun. Time to walk barefoot in the grass. Time to pray and simply be grateful for life.

More than anything, I want my time back.

Realigning With My Purpose

Lately I have been asking myself if I am truly just getting by.

Because if I am being honest, sometimes it feels like I am slowly drifting away from the path I know I am meant to walk.

And I need to realign.

Running away is not the solution anymore. I cannot just leave whenever life becomes uncomfortable. I have responsibilities now and a daughter who depends on me.

What I can do is find balance.

Balance between working, parenting, and still living in my purpose as the bigger picture of my life.

Because I truly believe we are here for more than simply working ourselves to exhaustion.

I believe every person has a purpose.

I know that the dreams God placed inside of me were not placed there by accident.

My gifts, my voice, my experiences, and my healing journey are meant to help others evolve too.

Healing was never meant to be a solo journey. We are meant to do it in community. We are meant to help each other see the authentic versions of ourselves and love each other through the process.

We are all works in progress.

But if more of us chose to walk in our purpose, imagine how much more awareness and healing could exist in this world.

Craving Community, Not Just Love

I have been so distracted for months now. Not just during this recent cycle, but during a longer emotional cycle where I found myself craving love and anxiously attaching to people, places, and things.

Somewhere along the way I think I lost sight of my why.

I became so focused on searching for love and trying to define what that love was supposed to look like, all while living a very unbalanced life. Looking back, it makes sense why so many of those experiences turned into lessons.

When I really sit with it, I do not think love itself is what I was truly searching for.

I think what I have really been craving is community.

Of course that kind of support can come from a significant other, but I do not think that is the only thing my heart longs for. I hate feeling like I am doing this life and navigating these cycles alone.

I crave companionship. Friendships. Pure and genuine connections with people.

I want community. The kind of community where people take the time to heal, learn, and grow together through all the seasons of life. A space where we uplift one another and truly support each other.

Support that checks in and asks how my day went. Support that asks if I need help with anything. Support that reminds me to rest when I have been pushing myself too hard.

A community that helps balance me out.

I never imagined being this far into my life and feeling like I do not have that kind of support system around me. That has been one of the hardest parts to sit with.

Yes, I have my family and I can call on them when I need to. But even that support has its limits.

I am realizing that part of my journey now is learning how to build and create my own community. Finding like minded individuals who crave the same kind of connection, support, and growth.

Because none of us are meant to walk through life completely alone.

Waking Up

It is so easy to get lost in the cycles society creates for us.

The routines. The expectations. The constant chase.

But I do not want to be lost anymore.

I do not want to be asleep anymore.

I want to be fully awake and walking in my purpose.

Even if it takes time to slowly step away from the cycles and build the life that is truly meant for me.

Because I know deep down that the path waiting for me is one that I will build for myself.

Asé.